Area Man Says It’s Not Oil He’s Addicted To; It’s Freedom

BUNKER HILL, Ind. -- When John Belasco drives from his home on 12th Street to the Sunoco station on East Bradley to fill up his 1999 Suburban, he ignores the “anti-American tree huggers” he says give him dirty looks along the way.

“If I’m at a pump and someone in a Corolla is next to me, they see the numbers on my pump going and going and they suddenly get all holier-than-thou,” Belasco said. “They’ll ask me, ‘hey, these gas prices must be killing you, huh?’ and I just say, ‘go to hell, hippie.’”

Belasco says the people judging him about his vehicle choice don’t understand why he has it. “It’s not because I’m addicted to oil like the media keeps telling us we are,” he said. “I have valid reasons for driving a Suburban. Like one time I had to haul some lumber home from the Home Depot. And sometimes I like to take both of my grandkids to Chuck-E-Cheese’s at once without having to take two cars. Plus, I like to stretch my legs out when we go for long Sunday drives, and get right up behind people in little hatchbacks on the highway to intimidate them and boost my self confidence. How am I supposed to do these things in a Corolla? If I don’t have the freedom to drive a Suburban, what do I have the freedom to do anymore?”

Belasco says that next time you see him or anyone else driving a Suburban, Yukon, Hummer, F-250 or other large vehicle, you shouldn’t judge them. "They’re the true Americans – and they’re simply exercising their freedom to be American."

New Airline Safety Measure Calls For All Passengers To Fly Naked

WASHINGTON, D.C.— New airline safety measures are calling for all passengers to fly naked, the Department of Homeland Security announced this morning.

This is the first major air travel safety measure to be implemented since 2006, when mounting fear of international terrorist plots involving liquid explosives prompted airline and government officials to ban all liquids aside from baby formula on flights (although no infant is required).

The new measure requiring passengers to fly nude will become permanent and make flights even safer, Homeland Security and airline officials said. They did not, however, comment on the potential hygiene issues.

Area Hermit Has 472 Facebook Friends

NORTHVILLE, Mich. – Northville resident Adam Dunlap, 24, has not left his parents' home on Westbrook Drive since June of 2006, but he insists his social life is “out of control crazy.” Many are asking how that’s possible. Adam’s parents say the computer is to blame.

“He used to love the Olive Garden, but now he refuses to go with us,” said Susan Dunlap, Adam’s mother. “When we tell him we’re going and that he can get whatever he wants off the menu, he just tells us to bring him home a couple of breadsticks, because he’s busy ‘tagging some peeps in some pics.’ It’s just heartbreaking to see him like this.”

“Social Networking,” or online communities of people who share common interests, have been gaining momentum over the last several years, and Adam says his 472 Facebook friends keep him busy 7 days a week.

“Dude, I added the SuperWall Facebook application last week that lets you draw graffiti on your friends’ walls, and that can take up a good 3 to 4 hours of my day, just drawing pictures and stuff on their walls,” he told reporters. “Plus, Facebook tells you when everyone’s birthday is, so just trying to give virtual gifts like smiley balloons to everyone on their birthday takes tons of time.”

Adam said he also recently added the “pieces of flair” application that lets users post virtual buttons depicting things they’re interested in on a virtual bulletin board. “If there’s not already a piece of flair for something you’re into, like say, Mountain Dew Code Red, then you have to create your own flair by uploading a picture and stuff,” he explained. “All this stuff takes time.”

He noted, too, that it’s important to keep his friends in the loop about what he’s doing, which means updating his Facebook “status” several times a day.

“Like just before I started talking to you, I had to change my status to say, ‘Adam is explaining Facebook basics to some dumb ass reporter,” he said. “If I didn’t update my status, there would be 472 … wait, I just got another friend request … make that 473 people who would be wondering what I’m up to and if I’m OK and stuff. You know?”

When asked if there would ever be an occasion for which he’d consider leaving the house, Adam said he wasn’t sure, but thought that his funeral would probably be the next time he’d leave.

“Dude, can you do me a favor when I die?” he said. “Can you change my Facebook status to say, ‘Adam is chillin in a box for eternity’? That would be sweet.”

Area Woman Sells Jesus Eyelash On eBay

STILLWATER, Okla. – When Stillwater resident Julianne Gramlich lost one of her eyelashes while putting her contact lenses in Wednesday morning, she knew she had something special on her hands – or in her hand, quite literally. Gramlich said she realized immediately that the eyelash looked almost identical to one of Jesus Christ’s eyelashes.

“The resemblance was almost scary,” Gramlich told reporters. “The shape, the color, the texture. It was as if I was holding the actual DNA of Christ in the palm of my hand. It was just so surreal.”

Upon discovering the holy lash, Gramlich immediately called for her husband Todd, who was sleeping in the next room.

“I knew it was something big when I heard her calling my name,” Todd said. “The sound of her voice – it was quivering and quaking, and when I saw what she had in her hand, I realized why. I asked her, ‘Did you see Jesus? How did you get one of Jesus’ eyelashes?’ I was just in awe. It was just … just … absolutely unbelievable.”

Julianne has since put the eyelash up for auction on eBay, where it has received 14 bids since yesterday morning. The high bid at press time was $350.

“I just hope to see it end up in a museum or at the Vatican or somewhere people will be able to appreciate it,” Julianne said. “It’s definitely something special, and I feel blessed that Jesus came to me with it. It’s just such a good feeling to know he’s with us, even if it’s in the form of an eyelash.”

The Clove Wants To Know:
What do you plan to do with your economic stimulus rebate?

“Probably take up heroin again.”
- Josh Flannigan, copy editor










“Get it all in cash and use the bills to make origami zoo animals.”
- Monica Bellis, ballet instructor

"Pay my bookie."
- John Yeskey, insurance underwriter

"Take my son to Disney World and also, hire a whore."
- William Haines, physician's assistant








“Keep putting coins in the claw machine at Denny’s until I win every stuffed animal.”
- Louise Gronko, retired court stenographer

“Get hair transplant surgery.”
- Tim Baldwin, public relations executive

Area Woman Drops Toothbrush In Toilet

BETHESDA, Md. – Bethesda resident Jeannine Endsley got quite a surprise this morning when her $79 Sonicare Essence electric toothbrush slipped out of her hand and into the toilet around 6:45. Endsley told reporters she wasn’t sure exactly how it happened, but said the two seconds between the toothbrush slipping out of her hand and actually splashing down “seemed like an eternity.”

“It was awful,” Endsley said. “I tried to catch it. It hit the toilet seat before it actually fell in, and I almost had it. If my reflexes had been just a second quicker, I think I could’ve stopped this disaster.”

Endsley said she’s dropped other things in the toilet in the past, but those things had always been salvageable, unlike her toothbrush, which she claims is “a complete loss.”

“One time I dropped my hairspray bottle in there, but I figured I could just clean that off and still use it,” she said. “But the toothbrush is different. I debated about just getting a new replacement head for it, but, I mean, there’s feces in there sometimes, and feces are kind of unpleasant. This is way worse than that time I found a pube stuck inside my toothpaste cap.”

Endsley added that she’d recently put a 2,000 Flushes tank cleaner in the toilet, and she wasn’t sure what chemicals were in it that could really mess her up or make her bear autistic children.

“They always say not to eat 2,000 Flushes and other kinds of toilet cleaners,” she said. “And I don’t wanna have some autistic baby some day.”

There’s no word yet on whether Endsley will purchase a new electric toothbrush or simply use the free Oral B one she got from the dentist.

Holy Week Ruins St. Patrick’s Day For Millions Of Irish Catholics

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Roman Catholic clergy across the country are asking Irish Catholics to refrain from celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this March 17, because the holiday, famous for its drunken parades and green beer, falls during the week before Easter, the most sacred week on the Christian calendar, also known as “Holy Week.”

This is the first time in 67 years that Easter has put a damper on St. Paddy’s Day celebrations, and many Irish Catholics are pissed.

“Why should we forgo celebrating all the glory of St. Patrick just because some savior from like 2,000 years ago painted eggs laid by rabbits and then hid them from children?” said Dennis O’Connell, a member of St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Columbus, Ohio. “To be honest, I think St. Patrick did a lot more for the Catholics than Jesus ever did anyway.”

Father Thomas Brennan, a priest at St. Mary’s, said he understands the frustration his congregation has with the timing of Holy Week this year, noting that he enjoys eating himself sick on corned beef and cabbage just as much as the next guy. So, to make up for St. Patrick’s Day being a total let-down, Father Brennan told reporters he has a special treat for attendees of the 11 a.m. mass on Palm Sunday.

“In place of wine for communion, we will be using green beer to represent the blood of Christ,” Brennan said. “We’ve also added green food coloring to the communion hosts to make the body of Christ a little more festive.”

As for the hundreds of millions of non-Irish, non-Catholic people who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day for no reason other than to get completely shitfaced, it’s business as usual this year. The parade will begin at 10 a.m.

Navy Missile Hits Spy Satellite, Satellite Strikes Back

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Navy succeeded in shooting an inoperable spy satellite with a missile last week in order to stop the reconnaissance device from hitting the Earth. U.S. officials did not, however, anticipate what happened next: The damaged satellite shot back with a large, suction cup arrow that stuck to the window of a 1998 Dodge Neon near Reno, Nev., and included a note attached that read: “Bring it on, you redneck losers.”

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” said NASA researcher Donald Lyons. “I guess we built enough intelligence into the reconnaissance device to allow it to respond when threatened, and to do so in a side-splittingly funny manner.”

President George W. Bush and Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates are in discussions to determine what action, if any, to take. Analysts anticipate the Bush administration will seek approval to declare war on the satellite, noting that the “redneck” comment really resonated with the president, and not in a good way.

In the meantime, it appears that the Navy’s missile strike has halted any imminent threat of the satellite hitting the earth, although Lyons was quick to note that does not make us immune to any additional snide remarks from the device.

“Until it runs out of suction cup arrows, we’re fair game for its mockery,” he said.

Santa Claus Sets Bad Example For Kids

NEW YORK – Cookies, candy, materialism, obesity. This is the message Santa Claus is sending to our nation's children, and some activists want to see it stopped, arguing that promoting a life of excess is one of the worst things a role model can do.

"That fatty is ruining my childrens' perceptions of what's right, wrong, healthy and unhealthy," said Robin Stanford, a yoga instructor from New Haven, Conn., who has three children under the age of 10. "When I told my kids they couldn't leave cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve because cookies are high in saturated fat, they all started crying and saying Santa wouldn't bring them any presents if they didn't leave cookies. It seems like all of a sudden, everything is about cookies and presents. That old porker has turned my kids into materialistic, gluttonous beasts."

When asked to comment, Claus said he never had any intentions of ruining kids' lives. It just happened. "I guess I never saw cookies and presents as bad things before," he said. "Now that I see what I've done to the children, I'm vowing to turn my life around."

Dr. Andrew Young, a gastroenterologist at the Mayo Clinic, says he's been consulting with Claus to see if gastric bypass surgery might be a viable option.

"At this point, he's too far gone for a low carb diet and exercise to be effective. In fact, test results showed that Mr. Claus actually has high fructose corn syrup running through his veins instead of blood," Young said. "That's generally not good."

In the meantime, concerned parents like Stanford say Santa needs to shape up or ship out. "He disgusts me," Stanford said. "You won't see this mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe, unless he drops about 75 pounds and loses the ZZ Top beard."

Pot Now Sold In L.A. Vending Machines, Convenience Stores Want In On The Action

LOS ANGELES – In Los Angeles, those suffering from chronic pain can now get "chronic" relief 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Last week, three "medical" marijuana vending machines – the first of their kind – opened for business in the city.

"It’s f-ing great," said Wendy Reade, a 35-year-old waitress who suffered a herniated disk in her back two months ago while on the job. "I just get this sh*t, and it’s like I don’t even have a spine. Like I’m a snail without a shell. A purple one, with green stripes and no shell. Almost like I never hurt my back because I never had one, like Mona Lisa’s belly button. I mean Adam and Eve. Or was it eyebrows? Who the hell cares. Quit calling me a snail. I’m hungry."

Convenience store owners throughout the city are now saying they want in on the pot vending machine action, too. They’re asking that the vending machines be installed on their stores’ premises so that partakers can easily fulfill their "munchies" buy purchasing items like Fritos and Twizzlers from the stores.

"It benefits everyone involved," said Desmond Burnett, store manager at the 7-Eleven on Santa Monica Boulevard. "The vending machine company sells their pot, the junkies get their junk food, and we get our Fritos money. What’s not to love about it?"

Ben Marcotte, who owns the company that operates the vending machines, refused to comment because he was "stoned out of his f-ing mind" and "needed a shower."

An investigation into the validity of the vending machines is pending.

Researchers Say Pluto Not Really A Dog, Merely A Disney Cartoon Character

ORLANDO—A little more than a year after scientists determined that Pluto is not technically a planet, researchers have now determined that Disney's Pluto is not technically a dog. In response, scientists have demoted him to “Disney Cartoon Character.”

“We’ve discovered through extensive research and DNA testing that Pluto isn’t technically a dog,” said NASA researcher Dr. Harold Jordan. “The fact that we couldn’t extract any sort of DNA from Pluto was our first indication that something didn’t equate. Further tests proved that the so-called 'dog,' Pluto, is actually just animation."

The Walt Disney World theme park in Orlando, Fla., closed down early this morning, and the Disney Land theme park in Anaheim, Calif., will not open today. Theme park executives say they’ll spend the day organizing Pluto’s execution, which will take place tomorrow.

“At 9 a.m. tomorrow, Pluto will be hanged for treason from the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse in the northwest corner of the Disney World theme park,” theme park executive director David Bradas told reporters. “Afterwards, we’ll serve cookies and punch in celebration of the imposter’s demise.”

Pluto could not be reached for comment, but sources say he peed on the carpet when he heard the news.

Don Pablo’s Patron Eats Too Much, Gets Fired

MOORESTOWN, N.J.— Marcia Rumbaugh, receptionist at Chambers Marketing and Advertising on Flynn Ave., ate way too much for lunch at the Don Pablo’s restaurant on Nixon Drive yesterday afternoon.

“I had the taco salad with chicken, guacamole, sour cream, cheese and ranch dressing,” said Rumbaugh. “I ate the whole thing, plus a whole basket of tortilla chips and salsa beforehand.”

Upon returning to the office after lunch, Rumbaugh sat down at her desk and promptly unbuttoned her pants, claiming they were simply too tight after devouring 960 calories of meat, dairy and carbs.

When co-worker Laura Murray spotted Rumbaugh's unfastened button, she immediately reported it to the company's Human Resources Department.

“That’s just disgusting,” said Murray. “I had a half-pound cheeseburger and fries at Red Robin for lunch today, but you don’t see me sitting at my desk with my pants half off.”

When Human Resources Coordinator Veronica Jackson went into Rumbaugh's cubicle and told her that unbuttoned pants were inappropriate for work, Rumbaugh responded by pulling the zipper down, too.

“I thought she meant I shouldn’t just have the button undone, but that I should have the zipper unzipped, too,” said Rumbaugh.

Jackson told Rumbaugh to report to the president’s office immediately. When Rumbaugh got up from her chair, her pants fell down around her ankles.

“I walked into the president’s office, and he fired me on the spot just because my pants were around my ankles,” Rumbaugh told reporters. “That’s discrimination, and I don’t have to take it.”

The president of the company declined to comment.

Woman Sues Home Depot Over Dumb Slogan

NAPERVILLE, Ill. – Naperville resident Leslie McCoy has filed a lawsuit against Home Depot, alleging that the DIY mega-retailer's slogan, "You can do it; We can help," caused her excessive emotional damage when she actually thought she "could do it."

"Maybe they should change it to 'You might be able to do it, but sometimes hiring a professional is better," said McCoy, tripping over a half empty tub of drywall joint compound and falling into an open can of oil-based primer. "Bandana bicycle Margaret Thatcher telephone nose harness muffin earmuffs," she added. When told that what she said made no sense, her husband chimed in, "The paint fumes are getting to her."

McCoy claims that Home Depot's slogan gave her false hope and made her think her home improvement projects would be easy. In response to the allegations, Home Depot claims it didn't do anything wrong. "Our slogan holds true," said Alison Markinowich, Public Relations Coordinator for Home Depot. "Read the fine print."

The fine print reads: "You can do it, we can help, assuming you're not mildly retarded, double- jointed, blonde, arthritic, old, deaf, dumb or blind, lactose intolerant, of European descent, hungry, ovulating, bipolar, freckled, homeless, a member of the mafia, liberal, conservative, a convicted felon, tired, a mammal or jaundiced."

No trial date has been set.

Wal-Mart To Sell $1.88 Laptop

BENTONVILLE, Ark. – Wal-Mart Stores Inc. announced Tuesday that it plans to offer an entry-level Acer laptop computer for $1.88 at all its retail outlets beginning later this year. The computer will feature a 74 gigabyte hard drive, 512 megabytes of RAM and a 14.1-inch screen. It will operate on a system similar to Microsoft Windows called Microhard Doors, which is expected to be compatible with most Windows software.

“For years, Wal-Mart has wanted to bring computers to the masses – even people like our employees who never could’ve dreamed of being able to afford a computer before,” a Wal-Mart spokesperson told reporters. “The Acer188 will help bridge the gap between poor people and the more affluent, technologically-savvy members of society who might not necessarily shop at Wal-Mart, but probably own stock in it.”

The reason for the laptop’s affordability lies in the materials used to manufacture it. According to an Acer spokesperson, the computer, manufactured in China, is made primarily of melted down components from recalled Mattel toys. The spokesperson was quick to note, too, that this makes the Acer188 more sustainable than other brands. “Typically, all that crap would’ve just been dumped in landfills before,” he said. “Instead, we’re repurposing it, not just for capital gain, but for the greater good.”

The Acer188 is expected to be on Wal-Mart’s shelves by April.

Last 10 Minutes Of Work Day “The Worst,” Says Office Assistant

CLEVELAND—Office Assistant Amanda Hallady said the last 10 minutes of the work day are “pretty much unbearable,” and that oftentimes, she’ll spend those last few minutes staring at her 1973 model Swingline stapler.

“When 4:50 rolls around, it’s like I’m stuck in some sort of time warp,” Hallady said. “It’s even worse when the girl in the next cubicle spends those last 10 minutes slurping on a frappuccino that was pretty much empty two hours ago. Nothing’s going to come out, chica. Give it up, for God’s sake.”

When Hallady was asked what specifically was so terrible about the last 10 minutes of the work day, she replied, “Are you f-ing kidding me? Haven’t you ever worked?” Then she threw her 1973 model Swingline stapler at the reporter and was charged with aggravated assault. The stapler suffered minor injuries but is expected to be okay, since it's made of lead and weighs like 70 pounds.

American Idol Annoyance Level Upgraded From Elevated To High

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Now in its second week of auditions for the 2008 season, authorities have upgraded the American Idol Annoyance Level from Elevated to High. Officials, all of whom said they’d rather set their nose hair on fire than watch one minute of American Idol, recommend you begin drinking heavily to ease the pain.

Enter ... The Clove

For some time now, a good friend and I have been turning real-life events we encounter, as well as some current events, into irreverent, satirical news stories inspired, in part, by The Onion (America's Finest News Source, in case you're not familiar). Simply stated, we love fake news. Slightly more elaborately stated, we love fake news and want to be purveyors of it.

We've been shooting our stories back and forth via e-mail for about two years, but until now, they didn't have a home. Oh, and until now, we were calling our fake news The Chive. That all changed when I realized thechive.blogspot.com is dedicated to news about sexually transmitted diseases. Now our fake news is called The Clove.

So readers, meet The Clove. And Clove, buckle up. It's going to be a wild ride.