Navy Missile Hits Spy Satellite, Satellite Strikes Back

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Navy succeeded in shooting an inoperable spy satellite with a missile last week in order to stop the reconnaissance device from hitting the Earth. U.S. officials did not, however, anticipate what happened next: The damaged satellite shot back with a large, suction cup arrow that stuck to the window of a 1998 Dodge Neon near Reno, Nev., and included a note attached that read: “Bring it on, you redneck losers.”

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” said NASA researcher Donald Lyons. “I guess we built enough intelligence into the reconnaissance device to allow it to respond when threatened, and to do so in a side-splittingly funny manner.”

President George W. Bush and Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates are in discussions to determine what action, if any, to take. Analysts anticipate the Bush administration will seek approval to declare war on the satellite, noting that the “redneck” comment really resonated with the president, and not in a good way.

In the meantime, it appears that the Navy’s missile strike has halted any imminent threat of the satellite hitting the earth, although Lyons was quick to note that does not make us immune to any additional snide remarks from the device.

“Until it runs out of suction cup arrows, we’re fair game for its mockery,” he said.

Santa Claus Sets Bad Example For Kids

NEW YORK – Cookies, candy, materialism, obesity. This is the message Santa Claus is sending to our nation's children, and some activists want to see it stopped, arguing that promoting a life of excess is one of the worst things a role model can do.

"That fatty is ruining my childrens' perceptions of what's right, wrong, healthy and unhealthy," said Robin Stanford, a yoga instructor from New Haven, Conn., who has three children under the age of 10. "When I told my kids they couldn't leave cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve because cookies are high in saturated fat, they all started crying and saying Santa wouldn't bring them any presents if they didn't leave cookies. It seems like all of a sudden, everything is about cookies and presents. That old porker has turned my kids into materialistic, gluttonous beasts."

When asked to comment, Claus said he never had any intentions of ruining kids' lives. It just happened. "I guess I never saw cookies and presents as bad things before," he said. "Now that I see what I've done to the children, I'm vowing to turn my life around."

Dr. Andrew Young, a gastroenterologist at the Mayo Clinic, says he's been consulting with Claus to see if gastric bypass surgery might be a viable option.

"At this point, he's too far gone for a low carb diet and exercise to be effective. In fact, test results showed that Mr. Claus actually has high fructose corn syrup running through his veins instead of blood," Young said. "That's generally not good."

In the meantime, concerned parents like Stanford say Santa needs to shape up or ship out. "He disgusts me," Stanford said. "You won't see this mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe, unless he drops about 75 pounds and loses the ZZ Top beard."

Pot Now Sold In L.A. Vending Machines, Convenience Stores Want In On The Action

LOS ANGELES – In Los Angeles, those suffering from chronic pain can now get "chronic" relief 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Last week, three "medical" marijuana vending machines – the first of their kind – opened for business in the city.

"It’s f-ing great," said Wendy Reade, a 35-year-old waitress who suffered a herniated disk in her back two months ago while on the job. "I just get this sh*t, and it’s like I don’t even have a spine. Like I’m a snail without a shell. A purple one, with green stripes and no shell. Almost like I never hurt my back because I never had one, like Mona Lisa’s belly button. I mean Adam and Eve. Or was it eyebrows? Who the hell cares. Quit calling me a snail. I’m hungry."

Convenience store owners throughout the city are now saying they want in on the pot vending machine action, too. They’re asking that the vending machines be installed on their stores’ premises so that partakers can easily fulfill their "munchies" buy purchasing items like Fritos and Twizzlers from the stores.

"It benefits everyone involved," said Desmond Burnett, store manager at the 7-Eleven on Santa Monica Boulevard. "The vending machine company sells their pot, the junkies get their junk food, and we get our Fritos money. What’s not to love about it?"

Ben Marcotte, who owns the company that operates the vending machines, refused to comment because he was "stoned out of his f-ing mind" and "needed a shower."

An investigation into the validity of the vending machines is pending.

Researchers Say Pluto Not Really A Dog, Merely A Disney Cartoon Character

ORLANDO—A little more than a year after scientists determined that Pluto is not technically a planet, researchers have now determined that Disney's Pluto is not technically a dog. In response, scientists have demoted him to “Disney Cartoon Character.”

“We’ve discovered through extensive research and DNA testing that Pluto isn’t technically a dog,” said NASA researcher Dr. Harold Jordan. “The fact that we couldn’t extract any sort of DNA from Pluto was our first indication that something didn’t equate. Further tests proved that the so-called 'dog,' Pluto, is actually just animation."

The Walt Disney World theme park in Orlando, Fla., closed down early this morning, and the Disney Land theme park in Anaheim, Calif., will not open today. Theme park executives say they’ll spend the day organizing Pluto’s execution, which will take place tomorrow.

“At 9 a.m. tomorrow, Pluto will be hanged for treason from the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse in the northwest corner of the Disney World theme park,” theme park executive director David Bradas told reporters. “Afterwards, we’ll serve cookies and punch in celebration of the imposter’s demise.”

Pluto could not be reached for comment, but sources say he peed on the carpet when he heard the news.

Don Pablo’s Patron Eats Too Much, Gets Fired

MOORESTOWN, N.J.— Marcia Rumbaugh, receptionist at Chambers Marketing and Advertising on Flynn Ave., ate way too much for lunch at the Don Pablo’s restaurant on Nixon Drive yesterday afternoon.

“I had the taco salad with chicken, guacamole, sour cream, cheese and ranch dressing,” said Rumbaugh. “I ate the whole thing, plus a whole basket of tortilla chips and salsa beforehand.”

Upon returning to the office after lunch, Rumbaugh sat down at her desk and promptly unbuttoned her pants, claiming they were simply too tight after devouring 960 calories of meat, dairy and carbs.

When co-worker Laura Murray spotted Rumbaugh's unfastened button, she immediately reported it to the company's Human Resources Department.

“That’s just disgusting,” said Murray. “I had a half-pound cheeseburger and fries at Red Robin for lunch today, but you don’t see me sitting at my desk with my pants half off.”

When Human Resources Coordinator Veronica Jackson went into Rumbaugh's cubicle and told her that unbuttoned pants were inappropriate for work, Rumbaugh responded by pulling the zipper down, too.

“I thought she meant I shouldn’t just have the button undone, but that I should have the zipper unzipped, too,” said Rumbaugh.

Jackson told Rumbaugh to report to the president’s office immediately. When Rumbaugh got up from her chair, her pants fell down around her ankles.

“I walked into the president’s office, and he fired me on the spot just because my pants were around my ankles,” Rumbaugh told reporters. “That’s discrimination, and I don’t have to take it.”

The president of the company declined to comment.