“Secretary Spread” Now “Cheeto Ass”

BENTON HARBOR, MI -- In an era of political correctness, terms such as “secretary spread” (used to describe the fat ass that often inflicts women who spend eight hours a day in a desk chair) are being replaced with more appropriate terms.

Because “administrative assistant spread” didn’t have quite the same ring to it, colloquialists have coined the term “Cheeto Ass” to describe the administrative assistants’ plight. “It really embodies the whole problem, too. It’s not just sitting that’s causing fat asses,” says area colloquialist Don Stephens. “The dietary decisions these people are making play a big part, too. I mean, look at Debbie over there,” Stephens says, motioning in the direction of his administrative assistant Debbie Russo. “She makes at least two trips to the vending machine every day, and believe me, she’s not choosing the low-fat granola bar. She’s pressing “B-5” for the Cheetos every time.”

Are you reading this from your desk chair right now? If so, you should probably consider cycling to work, Cheeto Ass.

2012 Presidential Election To Be Held “American Idol” Style

WASHINGTON, DC – To cater to an increasingly apathetic American public that has grown weary of politics as usual, the Federal Election Commission (FEC) announced Friday that the 2012 presidential election will be decided through an “American Idol” style competition.

Instead of the typical national convention during which presidential candidates are nominated, music executive, television producer, and blatantly narcissistic asshole Simon Cowell will scour the country looking for talent. Auditions will be held in several major U.S. cities.

Once finalists are selected, they will be forced to perform mind-numbingly terrible pop songs in front of a live audience while being relentlessly ridiculed by judges, including the pompous and arrogant Cowell, along with sociopath and washed-up former pop sensation Paula Abdul, and some other poor sap who thinks all the contestants are great because he smokes a ton of weed in order to quell the desire to punch Cowell in his obnoxious fucking face.

Americans will have the final say in the decision, when they cast their votes via text message from the comfort of their couches while eating leftover cheesy potato wedges dipped in French onion dip on Tuesday, November 6, 2012.

Audition dates have not yet been announced, but all citizens over the age of 35 who were born in the United States are encouraged to give it a whirl.

Lindsay Lohan Sues Everyone Named Lindsay

LOS ANGELES – Actress and junkie Lindsay Lohan filed an unprecedented lawsuit Tuesday afternoon, alleging that everyone named Lindsay is infringing on her single-name notoriety, and that “those bitches should pay.”

“Not only are they using my name without being me or even as pretty as me, but most of them also don’t even have a single DUI,” a completely shitfaced Lohan told reporters in her home Tuesday evening while hugging the toilet bowl where she intermittently spewed a combination of vodka, baby carrots and Percocet.

“It’s obvious why all these girls want to be just like Lindsay,” Lohan’s agent Nick Styne said. “But let’s face it – there’s only one person worthy of the name Lindsay, and it’s the Lindsay who can run over photographers with her BMW and still be adored by dozens of fans.”

Full details of the suit have not yet been released.