tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25413806635343449962024-02-06T22:43:07.875-05:00The CloveA collection of satirical and irreverent fake news stories.Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-18976176340650661972012-01-30T12:08:00.002-05:002012-01-30T12:17:09.567-05:00Area Woman Eats Entire Lunch Before Lunch<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><b>CLEVELAND, Ohio</b> -- On Monday, area events coordinator Cassandra Cayman ate a banana, a granola bar, an apple, a container of yogurt, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and 14 grapes all before 10 a.m., according to reports. Those close to Cayman say this was the entire contents of her packed lunch, and that by 3 p.m. she was wandering around the office looking for scraps.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">“She came into my office a little after 3 and asked if I had any chocolate,” says Cayman’s coworker Lynette Jenkins. “When I said I didn’t, she picked up my trash can and started rummaging through it.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Bryce Maley, an intern at the office, says Cayman similarly approached him, only to pull an Oreo cookie wrapper out of his trash can. “She saw some crumbs left in the packet and asked if I was going to eat them,” Maley says. “When I told her I wasn’t, she proceeded to tilt her head back and shake the crumbs into her mouth.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal">When confronted about the claims, Cayman denied them. “What?” she said. “Ha! No. What? No! I mean, I don’t recall that,” she said.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Jenkins says she plans to bring some extra Lean Cuisines from home to store in the break room fridge in case the problem arises in the future. “I don’t want to witness anything like this ever again,” she says.</p> <!--EndFragment-->Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-73123157353817924372011-09-12T14:06:00.000-04:002011-09-12T14:07:24.348-04:00Area Woman Changes Profile Picture<span style="font-weight: bold;">GREEN, Ohio</span> -- After much consideration, area waitress and perpetual college student Kelly Padilla has changed her Facebook profile picture. Padilla, 25, took more than two dozen photos of herself with her iPhone in the bathroom mirror at the Brubaker’s Pub on Massillon Road Saturday night, some with her hair pulled back, and others with it down. Her best friend, 24-year-old Brittany Schaub, also appeared in some of the photos.<br /><br />“It was hard to get a full body shot, because you can only step back so far before you just bump into the hand dryers,” Padilla told reporters. “But actually, I thought the close-up shots turned out better anyway, because you can totally see my eyeshadow more.”<br /><br />Padilla said she and Schaub spent nearly four hours Sunday afternoon trying to decide which picture was profile worthy, toggling back and forth between shots several hundred times after weeding out those in which Padilla’s hair was kind of “jacked up” or in which she appeared to have a “freakin lazy eye or something.” Although both women had econ homework they should’ve been working on, they felt they wouldn’t really be able to concentrate on it until they’d had a good look at all the photos from the previous night’s drunken hilarity, which were completely different from the photos they took at the same bar a week prior.<br /><br />“We finally chose this one because my hair looks good but you can still kind of see my shoulder tat,” Padilla said. “What do you think? I mean, keep in mind, I have like 493 friends who are going to see this.”<br /><br />Padilla said that before Sunday, she had not changed her profile picture since Aug. 27 when some dude named Austin or Todd took a “totally epic” picture of her doing a shot of Patron while she danced on the bar.Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-4029653826073261532011-05-09T09:56:00.002-04:002011-05-09T10:47:10.869-04:00Area Man Discovers Speaker PhoneTuesday at 1:44 p.m. was a life-changing moment for area marketing coordinator Brad Shadle, who finally learned how to use the speaker phone function on his office phone after more than two years on the job. “Now I can call people without picking up my receiver, but then pick it up when they answer,” Shadle said. “Or, if I choose to leave them on speaker phone, I can even lean back in my chair and cross my arms while discussing ‘strategic partnerships’ and the ‘importance of honing in on segment growth areas’ while also referring to whomever is on the other end of the line as “my main man.”<br /><br />Some of Shadle’s coworkers, however, aren’t so happy about his newfound knowledge. Assistant project coordinator Amy McHenry, who sits just a few feet away from Shadle, says his incessant speaker phone babble can sometimes be annoying and awkward. “Like that time he had that mouth breather Steve Klein from sales on the phone, and I overheard Steve refer to me as ‘Cankles McHenry,’ she said. “I mean, has Steve looked at his wife lately? Two words for you: ‘ham arms.’”<br /><br />When asked if he was concerned about his speaker phone conversations being overheard, Shadle chuckled. “Exsqueeze me?” he said. “Isn’t that the point of speaker phone?”<br /><br />Shadle’s boss declined to comment.Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-32501161609181006122010-08-17T13:43:00.003-04:002010-08-17T13:46:53.864-04:00“Secretary Spread” Now “Cheeto Ass”<span style="font-weight: bold;">BENTON HARBOR, MI</span> -- In an era of political correctness, terms such as “secretary spread” (used to describe the fat ass that often inflicts women who spend eight hours a day in a desk chair) are being replaced with more appropriate terms.<br /><br />Because “administrative assistant spread” didn’t have quite the same ring to it, colloquialists have coined the term “Cheeto Ass” to describe the administrative assistants’ plight. “It really embodies the whole problem, too. It’s not just sitting that’s causing fat asses,” says area colloquialist Don Stephens. “The dietary decisions these people are making play a big part, too. I mean, look at Debbie over there,” Stephens says, motioning in the direction of his administrative assistant Debbie Russo. “She makes at least two trips to the vending machine every day, and believe me, she’s not choosing the low-fat granola bar. She’s pressing “B-5” for the Cheetos every time.”<br /><br />Are you reading this from your desk chair right now? If so, you should probably consider cycling to work, Cheeto Ass.Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-86376777300561696962010-07-23T11:35:00.003-04:002010-08-17T13:47:16.025-04:002012 Presidential Election To Be Held “American Idol” Style<span style="font-weight: bold;">WASHINGTON, DC</span> – To cater to an increasingly apathetic American public that has grown weary of politics as usual, the Federal Election Commission (FEC) announced Friday that the 2012 presidential election will be decided through an “American Idol” style competition.<br /><br />Instead of the typical national convention during which presidential candidates are nominated, music executive, television producer, and blatantly narcissistic asshole Simon Cowell will scour the country looking for talent. Auditions will be held in several major U.S. cities.<br /><br />Once finalists are selected, they will be forced to perform mind-numbingly terrible pop songs in front of a live audience while being relentlessly ridiculed by judges, including the pompous and arrogant Cowell, along with sociopath and washed-up former pop sensation Paula Abdul, and some other poor sap who thinks all the contestants are great because he smokes a ton of weed in order to quell the desire to punch Cowell in his obnoxious fucking face.<br /><br />Americans will have the final say in the decision, when they cast their votes via text message from the comfort of their couches while eating leftover cheesy potato wedges dipped in French onion dip on Tuesday, November 6, 2012.<br /><br />Audition dates have not yet been announced, but all citizens over the age of 35 who were born in the United States are encouraged to give it a whirl.Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-59210449310225504732010-04-07T16:54:00.000-04:002010-04-07T16:55:45.783-04:00Lindsay Lohan Sues Everyone Named Lindsay<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3CavuXu076n-IiwjtqhE3iVTRi5e9eF9qlnxsmpqWpFI_H0ocVi2QC4a0u6r-0G2gdff8o1l2V9x5IBBQuvGKl4T0w_xDB5C9nkSGkuqanp5XTFjikU6R74ypgtP77BsMHMko_iVLzpqI/s1600/lohan.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 162px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3CavuXu076n-IiwjtqhE3iVTRi5e9eF9qlnxsmpqWpFI_H0ocVi2QC4a0u6r-0G2gdff8o1l2V9x5IBBQuvGKl4T0w_xDB5C9nkSGkuqanp5XTFjikU6R74ypgtP77BsMHMko_iVLzpqI/s200/lohan.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5457502161934007378" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">LOS ANGELES</span> – Actress and junkie Lindsay Lohan filed an unprecedented lawsuit Tuesday afternoon, alleging that everyone named Lindsay is infringing on her single-name notoriety, and that “those bitches should pay.”<br /><br />“Not only are they using my name without being me or even as pretty as me, but most of them also don’t even have a single DUI,” a completely shitfaced Lohan told reporters in her home Tuesday evening while hugging the toilet bowl where she intermittently spewed a combination of vodka, baby carrots and Percocet.<br /><br />“It’s obvious why all these girls want to be just like Lindsay,” Lohan’s agent Nick Styne said. “But let’s face it – there’s only one person worthy of the name Lindsay, and it’s the Lindsay who can run over photographers with her BMW and still be adored by dozens of fans.”<br /><br />Full details of the suit have not yet been released.Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-502927875034858812009-11-24T19:44:00.001-05:002009-11-24T19:47:01.061-05:00Two Former Teletubbies Arrested On Drug Charges<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirzcR3W-OYvObCGBgrugH3C1TFThfkX8efeDVsYwXvNQHmr2q41pWgXO3rW4VH_xINRBDI9XrcP2G3yYKEsMawMsD_4TAlMI674t_8MpzZodzwBJjKzd6o6Qe3Rl01pvFC8S4OHGgaqOaH/s1600/teletubbies-happypreview.png"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirzcR3W-OYvObCGBgrugH3C1TFThfkX8efeDVsYwXvNQHmr2q41pWgXO3rW4VH_xINRBDI9XrcP2G3yYKEsMawMsD_4TAlMI674t_8MpzZodzwBJjKzd6o6Qe3Rl01pvFC8S4OHGgaqOaH/s320/teletubbies-happypreview.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5407836285812543986" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">TELETUBBYLAND </span>– Tinky Winky and Dipsy, both of whom saw moderate fame as child stars on the hit children’s television series “Teletubbies,” were arrested Tuesday morning on drug charges. Dipsy was spotted snorting cocaine (aka blow, gutter glitter, nose candy, snow, jack-up, powder, etc.) off of the large television screen imbedded in Tinky Winky’s stomach while the two lounged on the artificially green grass near the futuristic dome where they reside.<br /><br />After arresting Tinky Winky and Dipsy, police searched the “Tubbytronic Superdome,” and found large stashes of cocaine (aka candycaine, snort, wacky dust, bazooka, c-game, flake, etc.) hidden behind a large, dizzying pinwheel that “appeared out of fucking nowhere,” according to Officer Jake Palmieri. “I’ve seen some fucked up shit, but this?” he said, pointing to a giant giggling sun with the face of a baby resembling the late Chris Farley. “This takes the cake.”<br /><br />This is not the first time controversy has surrounded the Teletubbies. In 1999, Tinky Winky aroused the attention of televangelist Jerry Falwell, who alleged that Tinky Winky was a “gay role model,” an assumption made simply because the Teletubby sported a purple triangle on his head representative of gay pride and carried a purse.<br /><br />Since “Teletubbies” went off the air in 2001, all four of the original Teletubbies have fallen from fame, unable to secure any other roles after having been typecasted as acid-tripping, gay babies.<br /><br />Tinky Winky and Dipsy are currently being held on $5,000 bond.Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-52058623798455758492009-08-29T11:46:00.001-04:002009-08-29T11:47:50.804-04:00Area Woman Gets Perm<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqs7ynfSMTPH6AIlt33Zj114ckcpnUtH-o5UJgwwTXvi6SwB8qqFL9KRYEkkvrLh1D742BNoEP9fn8Uiq_bS6umd67uKzUxcW82175DT0_Hic0rJb3BIcbipz3_5LtrUeS5GvSUBTIMWJR/s1600-h/bad+perm.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5375412927102114146" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqs7ynfSMTPH6AIlt33Zj114ckcpnUtH-o5UJgwwTXvi6SwB8qqFL9KRYEkkvrLh1D742BNoEP9fn8Uiq_bS6umd67uKzUxcW82175DT0_Hic0rJb3BIcbipz3_5LtrUeS5GvSUBTIMWJR/s200/bad+perm.jpg" /></a><br /><p><strong>WENATCHEE, Wash. --</strong> For the first time since 1994, Donna Mutchler, owner of the Just Hair salon on the corner of N. Mission and 4th streets in Wenatchee, was asked to give a client a perm.<br /><br />According to eye witnesses, Teresa Wible, 43, entered the salon just before 3 p.m. Friday for what was supposed to be a run-of-the mill cut and color. But, upon alerting the front desk of her arrival, she announced she would also like a perm. Christie Jennings, the 18-year-old stylist assistant at the desk, said she wasn’t exactly sure what Wible was asking for. That’s when Mutchler intervened.<br /><br />“I said, ‘I’m sorry … you want a what now?’” Mutchler said. “I thought she was kidding at first, but then I noticed she was wearing Jordache jeans.”<br /><br />Mutchler, who says she always tries to cater to clients’ special needs, made an effort to deliver the service Wible requested, but wasn’t able to when she realized the only perm chemical solution she had left in her storage room expired during President Clinton’s first term. “That’s when I sent her to the J.C. Penney salon,” Mutchler said. “I told her to ask for Tammy. I didn’t know if anyone by that name actually worked there, but I figured if so, she’d probably know a thing or two about perms.”<br /><br />It turns out Wible was in luck. Tammy Boyd, a long-time Wenatchee J.C. Penney salon stylist who claims to have once permed Carnie Wilson’s hair, was able to deliver.<br /><br />“I really have a lot to thank Tammy for,” Wible said. “This perm has done wonders for my self esteem.” </p>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-87852512688000082332009-07-21T13:17:00.011-04:002009-07-21T13:25:52.331-04:00Kim Jong-Il Launches Designer Women’s Sunglasses Line<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUmW496wFyLK2erPV75yMqSJRJOF-QFotblCAwk7LnkQrTH0PGD1PQFd1nRir2D9f3ToqWD8HxBeyzVkJbWDlufHrJV1eGQxKxu9o-Pe0rIAo76WMkZI_M448f3pBH-UZyUWYPQyrpXoNr/s1600-h/kimjong.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5360964721228501906" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 182px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUmW496wFyLK2erPV75yMqSJRJOF-QFotblCAwk7LnkQrTH0PGD1PQFd1nRir2D9f3ToqWD8HxBeyzVkJbWDlufHrJV1eGQxKxu9o-Pe0rIAo76WMkZI_M448f3pBH-UZyUWYPQyrpXoNr/s200/kimjong.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><div><div><strong>PYONGYANG, North Korea</strong> – North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il announced Tuesday the launch of a new women’s sunglasses line for the U.S., European and Asian markets. Kim, who came up with the designs himself, says the line was inspired by his lifelong idol, Jackie Kennedy Onassis.<br /><br />“I’ve always respected Jackie’s flair for style,” Kim told reporters. “In a way, launching this line is my tribute to her and everything she’s done for women’s fashion.”<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkVUsQjFASyZTTgDCFJdvcGB-qWjMvfsepy3pKT0Ww3YLL3YJFms3oK3-YE0ReH9DO_5SrNPc_BaN3NOzQYIoAhFltyw1Kf3-9q3TLXQt6UV-tsZVbxzIldJauDs_u-NelF5kC2-SV87h3/s1600-h/jonassis.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5360964835222424066" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkVUsQjFASyZTTgDCFJdvcGB-qWjMvfsepy3pKT0Ww3YLL3YJFms3oK3-YE0ReH9DO_5SrNPc_BaN3NOzQYIoAhFltyw1Kf3-9q3TLXQt6UV-tsZVbxzIldJauDs_u-NelF5kC2-SV87h3/s200/jonassis.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Kim, known for sporting shades from high-end designers like Prada and Christian Dior, says he really wanted a design he could call his o<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqn7KjkZrivfaf766rOAWlULqsULWWuaEbm8fZkdEQ0QtRgisrTJTSn_oWfu3s_fgNVePK6tF5qcwlVxL_Hd1PllXcxO5Q38kZaNftXksYvsMF0B-ccQlSNTpFsrEMSmYuiKmnGQzf2Tkg/s1600-h/jonassis.jpg"></a>wn. “This is my legacy,” he said. “This is what I’m going to be remembered for.”</div></div></div>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-69949509287350363512008-07-12T07:22:00.006-04:002008-12-11T12:10:40.158-05:00Area Man Says It’s Not Oil He’s Addicted To; It’s Freedom<strong>BUNKER HILL, Ind.</strong> -- When John Belasco drives from his home on 12th Street to the Sunoco station on East Bradley to fill up his 1999 Suburban, he ignores the “anti-American tree huggers” he says give him dirty looks along the way.<br /><br />“If I’m at a pump and someone in a Corolla is next to me, they see the numbers on my pump going and going and they suddenly get all holier-than-thou,” Belasco said. “They’ll ask me, ‘hey, these gas prices must be killing you, huh?’ and I just say, ‘go to hell, hippie.’”<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDTQiBT-23QpfZ2wVeBexwAassqSSuhjGCaSdVwMWLBikA5dvLE_fjhX0eLaAdNYtHMxqImeFt8WfSyUT3xkT98c0wfl0LjxqlRlB3ZhhyphenhyphenDE59Pwwma5nDrkb2yFhG7Nt1ba-V3WYT-rri/s1600-h/flag.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5222087678514732642" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDTQiBT-23QpfZ2wVeBexwAassqSSuhjGCaSdVwMWLBikA5dvLE_fjhX0eLaAdNYtHMxqImeFt8WfSyUT3xkT98c0wfl0LjxqlRlB3ZhhyphenhyphenDE59Pwwma5nDrkb2yFhG7Nt1ba-V3WYT-rri/s320/flag.png" border="0" /></a><br />Belasco says the people judging him about his vehicle choice don’t understand why he has it. “It’s not because I’m addicted to oil like the media keeps telling us we are,” he said. “I have valid reasons for driving a Suburban. Like one time I had to haul some lumber home from the Home Depot. And sometimes I like to take both of my grandkids to Chuck-E-Cheese’s at once without having to take two cars. Plus, I like to stretch my legs out when we go for long Sunday drives, and get right up behind people in little hatchbacks on the highway to intimidate them and boost my self confidence. How am I supposed to do these things in a Corolla? If I don’t have the freedom to drive a Suburban, what do I have the freedom to do anymore?”<br /><br />Belasco says that next time you see him or anyone else driving a Suburban, Yukon, Hummer, F-250 or other large vehicle, you shouldn’t judge them. "They’re the true Americans – and they’re simply exercising their freedom to be American."Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-3804307863376410552008-05-03T21:01:00.003-04:002008-12-11T12:10:40.298-05:00New Airline Safety Measure Calls For All Passengers To Fly Naked<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9LCE7LYTEHw4jAtWUi7ewimTgqriY5dWJx9Kiw41YLp9eK86DhtrE-8lwxLQAAcxVVwYtVJZCt-fA3rbjURHEk_7qYL3D3E99imPSDFJzjsfvMmWiYa6LBg7julXdRQ6fD_IVJ3LiLcb7/s1600-h/airport.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5196324000020329538" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9LCE7LYTEHw4jAtWUi7ewimTgqriY5dWJx9Kiw41YLp9eK86DhtrE-8lwxLQAAcxVVwYtVJZCt-fA3rbjURHEk_7qYL3D3E99imPSDFJzjsfvMmWiYa6LBg7julXdRQ6fD_IVJ3LiLcb7/s320/airport.png" border="0" /></a>WASHINGTON, D.C.— New airline safety measures are calling for all passengers to fly naked, the Department of Homeland Security announced this morning.<br /><br />This is the first major air travel safety measure to be implemented since 2006, when mounting fear of international terrorist plots involving liquid explosives prompted airline and government officials to ban all liquids aside from baby formula on flights (although no infant is required).<br /><br />The new measure requiring passengers to fly nude will become permanent and make flights even safer, Homeland Security and airline officials said. They did not, however, comment on the potential hygiene issues.Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-29243920441931019912008-04-09T22:15:00.005-04:002008-12-11T12:10:40.513-05:00Area Hermit Has 472 Facebook Friends<strong>NORTHVILLE, Mich.</strong> – Northville resident Adam Dunlap, 24, has not left his parents' home on Westbrook Drive since June of 2006, but he insists his social life is “out of control crazy.” Many are asking how that’s possible. Adam’s parents say the computer is to blame.<br /><br />“He used to love the Olive Garden, but now he refuses to go with us,” said Susan Dunlap, Adam’s mother. “When we tell him we’re going and that he can get whatever he wants off the menu, he just tells us to bring him home a couple of breadsticks, because he’s busy ‘tagging some peeps in some pics.’ It’s just heartbreaking to see him like this.”<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOG1KJ6_LUvzXGpZ46Hc1a2uelKbPDe0orEn14WCcN00PYJ1x9YKjCfRiXTro0KpOcpuR2cOiqDH58oUAqxSG4tYP9Fa36ZVL_WoblORoVjcpgKuI2flOp788L8dQQSRXs6-i3_iaWGN4d/s1600-h/adam.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5187438049677789842" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOG1KJ6_LUvzXGpZ46Hc1a2uelKbPDe0orEn14WCcN00PYJ1x9YKjCfRiXTro0KpOcpuR2cOiqDH58oUAqxSG4tYP9Fa36ZVL_WoblORoVjcpgKuI2flOp788L8dQQSRXs6-i3_iaWGN4d/s320/adam.png" border="0" /></a><br />“Social Networking,” or online communities of people who share common interests, have been gaining momentum over the last several years, and Adam says his 472 Facebook friends keep him busy 7 days a week.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiauPclDOcE_U6EsRpnMcS8vJPonoGdfiwCH-acnmVSHXWkKljU535BSZ9zlQpKdFrU0z3UgGf1IUuiiiCfLJuJh4OMehZcJHGiWri11DJzDilNNPzI5u1ULErgbCBKgvk4-8OscckI3iMb/s1600-h/adam.png"></a><br />“Dude, I added the SuperWall Facebook application last week that lets you draw graffiti on your friends’ walls, and that can take up a good 3 to 4 hours of my day, just drawing pictures and stuff on their walls,” he told reporters. “Plus, Facebook tells you when everyone’s birthday is, so just trying to give virtual gifts like smiley balloons to everyone on their birthday takes tons of time.”<br /><br />Adam said he also recently added the “pieces of flair” application that lets users post virtual buttons depicting things they’re interested in on a virtual bulletin board. “If there’s not already a piece of flair for something you’re into, like say, Mountain Dew Code Red, then you have to create your own flair by uploading a picture and stuff,” he explained. “All this stuff takes time.”<br /><br />He noted, too, that it’s important to keep his friends in the loop about what he’s doing, which means updating his Facebook “status” several times a day.<br /><br />“Like just before I started talking to you, I had to change my status to say, ‘Adam is explaining Facebook basics to some dumb ass reporter,” he said. “If I didn’t update my status, there would be 472 … wait, I just got another friend request … make that 473 people who would be wondering what I’m up to and if I’m OK and stuff. You know?”<br /><br />When asked if there would ever be an occasion for which he’d consider leaving the house, Adam said he wasn’t sure, but thought that his funeral would probably be the next time he’d leave.<br /><br />“Dude, can you do me a favor when I die?” he said. “Can you change my Facebook status to say, ‘Adam is chillin in a box for eternity’? That would be sweet.”Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-31045850788019523432008-03-28T21:03:00.004-04:002008-12-11T12:10:40.634-05:00Area Woman Sells Jesus Eyelash On eBay<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3f1qTiY6jOXRq7TMXaQjmKP-Kq8kX7rrr9ADo9Sa1LB8WudDkPEw5Uw_dgIo0zSvkxDoS77QqFCvFd7OWyh9FnmXL65pJpv_yKExc-BzY99OeorR58ozkZwZ8o-XxXH9hT-iI7V7CGyMd/s1600-h/eyelash.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5182964533884632962" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3f1qTiY6jOXRq7TMXaQjmKP-Kq8kX7rrr9ADo9Sa1LB8WudDkPEw5Uw_dgIo0zSvkxDoS77QqFCvFd7OWyh9FnmXL65pJpv_yKExc-BzY99OeorR58ozkZwZ8o-XxXH9hT-iI7V7CGyMd/s320/eyelash.png" border="0" /></a><br /><div>STILLWATER, Okla. – When Stillwater resident Julianne Gramlich lost one of her eyelashes while putting her contact lenses in Wednesday morning, she knew she had something special on her hands – or in her hand, quite literally. Gramlich said she realized immediately that the eyelash looked almost identical to one of Jesus Christ’s eyelashes.<br /><br />“The resemblance was almost scary,” Gramlich told reporters. “The shape, the color, the texture. It was as if I was holding the actual DNA of Christ in the palm of my hand. It was just so surreal.”<br /><br />Upon discovering the holy lash, Gramlich immediately called for her husband Todd, who was sleeping in the next room.<br /><br />“I knew it was something big when I heard her calling my name,” Todd said. “The sound of her voice – it was quivering and quaking, and when I saw what she had in her hand, I realized why. I asked her, ‘Did you see Jesus? How did you get one of Jesus’ eyelashes?’ I was just in awe. It was just … just … absolutely unbelievable.”<br /><br />Julianne has since put the eyelash up for auction on eBay, where it has received 14 bids since yesterday morning. The high bid at press time was $350.<br /><br />“I just hope to see it end up in a museum or at the Vatican or somewhere people will be able to appreciate it,” Julianne said. “It’s definitely something special, and I feel blessed that Jesus came to me with it. It’s just such a good feeling to know he’s with us, even if it’s in the form of an eyelash.”</div>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-86025744000597126522008-03-21T17:33:00.032-04:002008-12-11T12:10:42.651-05:00<div align="center">The Clove Wants To Know:<br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">What do you plan to do with your economic stimulus rebate?</span></strong><br /><br /></div><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf8vZx_DxfXX1IKVXsvo8zUKMTj-MYySy8Y53UgoyTIRxossWJA-jtxWNcwZ2gTTkmcxW_mgBe6QXGl6N0TuK0X9hnFIyB1JWftl0p36RcHKnjNXvV4_QyJQt9DfbbW51rho5c7CJ1yMm0/s1600-h/Jeff.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5180333192105967394" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf8vZx_DxfXX1IKVXsvo8zUKMTj-MYySy8Y53UgoyTIRxossWJA-jtxWNcwZ2gTTkmcxW_mgBe6QXGl6N0TuK0X9hnFIyB1JWftl0p36RcHKnjNXvV4_QyJQt9DfbbW51rho5c7CJ1yMm0/s200/Jeff.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div align="center"><span style="font-family:georgia;">“Probably take up heroin again.”<br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">- Josh Flannigan, copy editor</span><br /></em></span><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfHRyQuQ2Wz4KVglInAUhA71Gwx_V9bVxEjU0DR4XE9Sq7VFVRsDIP9TmQCRJl-iSvcV0spgFaiEF8dqoQhqpmzt39vbTchE4bNI9Ultbhk3Pev5BpPsUoSk-BcoyM2iLAEhPsLbxJygwz/s1600-h/Monica.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5180333862120865586" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfHRyQuQ2Wz4KVglInAUhA71Gwx_V9bVxEjU0DR4XE9Sq7VFVRsDIP9TmQCRJl-iSvcV0spgFaiEF8dqoQhqpmzt39vbTchE4bNI9Ultbhk3Pev5BpPsUoSk-BcoyM2iLAEhPsLbxJygwz/s200/Monica.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><br />“Get it all in cash and use the bills to make origami zoo animals.”<br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">- Monica Bellis, ballet instructor</span></em><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div><div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja5-UvmpQu_lZt0UHk4Cq2vaDBowQL7UOCzUryriMl0cJGCiq7nKzdXDWOHV68WBNHVSZkrHOpjFmmYbjzjDsWdwO5AsFgGsjSxdPRv3HDfNUymUEjI64wLJd0ORVYnfRtSHkdpTz55-ei/s1600-h/John.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5180334910092885826" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja5-UvmpQu_lZt0UHk4Cq2vaDBowQL7UOCzUryriMl0cJGCiq7nKzdXDWOHV68WBNHVSZkrHOpjFmmYbjzjDsWdwO5AsFgGsjSxdPRv3HDfNUymUEjI64wLJd0ORVYnfRtSHkdpTz55-ei/s200/John.JPG" border="0" /></a></div><br /><div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja5-UvmpQu_lZt0UHk4Cq2vaDBowQL7UOCzUryriMl0cJGCiq7nKzdXDWOHV68WBNHVSZkrHOpjFmmYbjzjDsWdwO5AsFgGsjSxdPRv3HDfNUymUEjI64wLJd0ORVYnfRtSHkdpTz55-ei/s1600-h/John.JPG"></a></div><br /><br /><div align="center"><div align="center">"Pay my bookie."<br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">- John Yeskey, insurance underwriter</span></em><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5180335348179550034" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5XxyJfDftHQ2KhcsgRMz7sl7IBmOKBnc8KivRXO7BKPULVlYd-9eUmOtBFf47oBwFzvjW_ldOay2gkRNfJYruoWwjNcjJKWd-zVo4BNpWwuSQLcCCkZVrXuLJT8dw8S1YjLMpyYsXoTP6/s200/william.JPG" border="0" /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div></div><div align="center">"Take my son to Disney World and also, hire a whore."<br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">- William Haines, physician's assistant</span></em><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU28vCVMcMJoSQXZ0ZeIq9OkZjglsP-6GwimR54dC0Nje3CnuSCs10m5rlyQr_ai36eg1J_7mkaGZnOqmFLpu0qnn0_Z7SXRg0p9tBddxkIqYtVjGlD90pXPSqffYO9lO8kR6wrQnwigVH/s1600-h/Louise.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5180335597287653218" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU28vCVMcMJoSQXZ0ZeIq9OkZjglsP-6GwimR54dC0Nje3CnuSCs10m5rlyQr_ai36eg1J_7mkaGZnOqmFLpu0qnn0_Z7SXRg0p9tBddxkIqYtVjGlD90pXPSqffYO9lO8kR6wrQnwigVH/s200/Louise.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br />“Keep putting coins in the claw machine at Denny’s until I win every stuffed animal.”<br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">- Louise Gronko, retired court stenographer</span></em><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUFCwmQfyyf5QaOaFK6hMj50-aMcj_jOhSbfVCkzEY_AOFygtdgqQ5RPMH4ULJAbjbVSPnc2kJ_tb5gssC6HSKYyRIg0KngvTGDigjWWV00uvkBdFr8s6hMxZxSzp_VcyceLtij93LarjU/s1600-h/Tim.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5180336181403205490" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUFCwmQfyyf5QaOaFK6hMj50-aMcj_jOhSbfVCkzEY_AOFygtdgqQ5RPMH4ULJAbjbVSPnc2kJ_tb5gssC6HSKYyRIg0KngvTGDigjWWV00uvkBdFr8s6hMxZxSzp_VcyceLtij93LarjU/s200/Tim.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center"></div><br /><div align="center">“Get hair transplant surgery.”<br /><em><span style="font-size:85%;">- Tim Baldwin, public relations executive<br /></span></em><br /><br /><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqc4WK60MCGr2M8HzwzcDlZMb5syRELVO-vASfKweP9Grzyx8y3sRDLiu2qZoq9hsN8UqBhYt30jzXshMuUvte_rEET2yhw1sI9Fdky13hhp9NkzVMqrx-J-5xx7SDJryouu87JFU4eSWj/s1600-h/Louise.JPG"></a>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-86019180758738357902008-03-17T20:03:00.004-04:002008-12-11T12:10:42.814-05:00Area Woman Drops Toothbrush In ToiletBETHESDA, Md. – Bethesda resident Jeannine Endsley got quite a surprise this morning when her $79 Sonicare Essence electric toothbrush slipped out of her hand and into the toilet around 6:45. Endsley told reporters she wasn’t sure exactly how it happened, but said the two seconds between the toothbrush slipping out of her hand and actually splashing down “seemed like an eternity.”<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr2X0P7b3N42yoBLW-j0A4aMD3-IzXrNLammU-jbu5U_3BHS9KOY-r6xrv41KNHAbuYYgN8W-k0t3g20TpYApfcZkfBq-Ck6rIzYD3w9zmv3v5iXM_lGOuzJdU9Enf8ITU4UP0JumfnYMV/s1600-h/toilet.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5178866087823345058" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr2X0P7b3N42yoBLW-j0A4aMD3-IzXrNLammU-jbu5U_3BHS9KOY-r6xrv41KNHAbuYYgN8W-k0t3g20TpYApfcZkfBq-Ck6rIzYD3w9zmv3v5iXM_lGOuzJdU9Enf8ITU4UP0JumfnYMV/s200/toilet.JPG" border="0" /></a><br />“It was awful,” Endsley said. “I tried to catch it. It hit the toilet seat before it actually fell in, and I almost had it. If my reflexes had been just a second quicker, I think I could’ve stopped this disaster.”<br /><br />Endsley said she’s dropped other things in the toilet in the past, but those things had always been salvageable, unlike her toothbrush, which she claims is “a complete loss.”<br /><br />“One time I dropped my hairspray bottle in there, but I figured I could just clean that off and still use it,” she said. “But the toothbrush is different. I debated about just getting a new replacement head for it, but, I mean, there’s feces in there sometimes, and feces are kind of unpleasant. This is way worse than that time I found a pube stuck inside my toothpaste cap.”<br /><br />Endsley added that she’d recently put a 2,000 Flushes tank cleaner in the toilet, and she wasn’t sure what chemicals were in it that could really mess her up or make her bear autistic children.<br /><br />“They always say not to eat 2,000 Flushes and other kinds of toilet cleaners,” she said. “And I don’t wanna have some autistic baby some day.”<br /><br />There’s no word yet on whether Endsley will purchase a new electric toothbrush or simply use the free Oral B one she got from the dentist.Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-13849667595932057152008-03-13T12:28:00.004-04:002008-12-11T12:10:43.047-05:00Holy Week Ruins St. Patrick’s Day For Millions Of Irish Catholics<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj964RRSfMq8ydVa7RUBQEIa4ijExBOcqRfFzd_HEng2zIv8uBPHNVeFk6kIvNUsxB6TSUMgRi1vwZiVRXtifI0BOHjTN4v-g0biuS8JYKpI-rHFwSMunu25COVAM5SWNLCI5WgumR1taXi/s1600-h/stpaddy.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5177272122380584338" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj964RRSfMq8ydVa7RUBQEIa4ijExBOcqRfFzd_HEng2zIv8uBPHNVeFk6kIvNUsxB6TSUMgRi1vwZiVRXtifI0BOHjTN4v-g0biuS8JYKpI-rHFwSMunu25COVAM5SWNLCI5WgumR1taXi/s320/stpaddy.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div>COLUMBUS, Ohio – Roman Catholic clergy across the country are asking Irish Catholics to refrain from celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this March 17, because the holiday, famous for its drunken parades and green beer, falls during the week before Easter, the most sacred week on the Christian calendar, also known as “Holy Week.”<br /><br />This is the first time in 67 years that Easter has put a damper on St. Paddy’s Day celebrations, and many Irish Catholics are pissed.<br /><br />“Why should we forgo celebrating all the glory of St. Patrick just because some savior from like 2,000 years ago painted eggs laid by rabbits and then hid them from children?” said Dennis O’Connell, a member of St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Columbus, Ohio. “To be honest, I think St. Patrick did a lot more for the Catholics than Jesus ever did anyway.”<br /><br />Father Thomas Brennan, a priest at St. Mary’s, said he understands the frustration his congregation has with the timing of Holy Week this year, noting that he enjoys eating himself sick on corned beef and cabbage just as much as the next guy. So, to make up for St. Patrick’s Day being a total let-down, Father Brennan told reporters he has a special treat for attendees of the 11 a.m. mass on Palm Sunday.<br /><br />“In place of wine for communion, we will be using green beer to represent the blood of Christ,” Brennan said. “We’ve also added green food coloring to the communion hosts to make the body of Christ a little more festive.”<br /><br />As for the hundreds of millions of non-Irish, non-Catholic people who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day for no reason other than to get completely shitfaced, it’s business as usual this year. The parade will begin at 10 a.m.</div>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-59418634306915807212008-02-28T12:25:00.004-05:002009-02-08T00:47:34.574-05:00Navy Missile Hits Spy Satellite, Satellite Strikes Back<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjxvZJfRnLcl7Bbx-4NLvlC3wW4fNuTryUL-X_iWKpB65ZEFfkBio1pQRNYFSTEOrf3uXqL5EOGwqg8a_B1pcFBb6bhLsIXE_-7GIS7JMv3olQRDvSIqcX2HJtg3TP6LEAgY5NhIzLvoAB/s1600-h/missile.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5172085904205855826" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjxvZJfRnLcl7Bbx-4NLvlC3wW4fNuTryUL-X_iWKpB65ZEFfkBio1pQRNYFSTEOrf3uXqL5EOGwqg8a_B1pcFBb6bhLsIXE_-7GIS7JMv3olQRDvSIqcX2HJtg3TP6LEAgY5NhIzLvoAB/s320/missile.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div>WASHINGTON – The U.S. Navy succeeded in shooting an inoperable spy satellite with a missile last week in order to stop the reconnaissance device from hitting the Earth. U.S. officials did not, however, anticipate what happened next: The damaged satellite shot back with a large, suction cup arrow that stuck to the window of a 1998 Dodge Neon near Reno, Nev., and included a note attached that read: “Bring it on, you redneck losers.”<br /><br />“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” said NASA researcher Donald Lyons. “I guess we built enough intelligence into the reconnaissance device to allow it to respond when threatened, and to do so in a side-splittingly funny manner.”<br /><br />President George W. Bush and Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates are in discussions to determine what action, if any, to take. Analysts anticipate the Bush administration will seek approval to declare war on the satellite, noting that the “redneck” comment really resonated with the president, and not in a good way.<br /><br />In the meantime, it appears that the Navy’s missile strike has halted any imminent threat of the satellite hitting the earth, although Lyons was quick to note that does not make us immune to any additional snide remarks from the device.<br /><br />“Until it runs out of suction cup arrows, we’re fair game for its mockery,” he said.</div>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-40258091183776149052008-02-15T20:18:00.006-05:002008-12-11T12:10:43.418-05:00Santa Claus Sets Bad Example For Kids<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmRXY3mveqa2HS5yBshSOb2aNcXZHEyKggNkigBL3X6s0b7yGet-8Rhe1g7us1rTErhji2LFNJDw0KYXtU65DJs1YwEpZ2YnVQDcMPv7WYCrOKDJf4e2fS-E-8EpCzoYCSXlI_A53lK-Iq/s1600-h/santa.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5167386651638283330" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmRXY3mveqa2HS5yBshSOb2aNcXZHEyKggNkigBL3X6s0b7yGet-8Rhe1g7us1rTErhji2LFNJDw0KYXtU65DJs1YwEpZ2YnVQDcMPv7WYCrOKDJf4e2fS-E-8EpCzoYCSXlI_A53lK-Iq/s200/santa.png" border="0" /></a><br /><div>NEW YORK – Cookies, candy, materialism, obesity. This is the message Santa Claus is sending to our nation's children, and some activists want to see it stopped, arguing that promoting a life of excess is one of the wor<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7iAoQz86X3nYHivajfF9KH19hYSmp0hkmksCa_FaxanPEBbS1Q7_PyYpfcQ-wiLK3BtbIMBr5p_hE0XRaHrLQwTLW4g8EAK2c9QEqbR_kTq3Q3xqQoQPCw4yGyHq17qfRO039FIYdPUdB/s1600-h/santa.png"></a>st things a role model can do.<br /><br />"That fatty is ruining my childrens' perceptions of what's right, wrong, healthy and unhealthy," said Robin Stanford, a yoga instructor from New Haven, Conn., who has three children under the age of 10. "When I told my kids they couldn't leave cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve because cookies are high in saturated fat, they all started crying and saying Santa wouldn't bring them any presents if they didn't leave cookies. It seems like all of a sudden, everything is about cookies and presents. That old porker has turned my kids into materialistic, gluttonous beasts."<br /><br />When asked to comment, Claus said he never had any intentions of ruining kids' lives. It just happened. "I guess I never saw cookies and presents as bad things before," he said. "Now that I see what I've done to the children, I'm vowing to turn my life around."<br /><br />Dr. Andrew Young, a gastroenterologist at the Mayo Clinic, says he's been consulting with Claus to see if gastric bypass surgery might be a viable option.<br /><br />"At this point, he's too far gone for a low carb diet and exercise to be effective. In fact, test results showed that Mr. Claus actually has high fructose corn syrup running through his veins instead of blood," Young said. "That's generally not good."<br /><br />In the meantime, concerned parents like Stanford say Santa needs to shape up or ship out. "He disgusts me," Stanford said. "You won't see this mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe, unless he drops about 75 pounds and loses the ZZ Top beard."</div>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-91972293154237425242008-02-07T06:38:00.001-05:002008-12-11T12:10:43.629-05:00Pot Now Sold In L.A. Vending Machines, Convenience Stores Want In On The Action<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0w5l8cqm1DIFMHaWJOygn3q-NotOL2_nr4l_aYxQSddsX9nLsWPyAonhM1kSL9QjeUA1NVKLObmWrEwwRPGvkMBbcPBhz1pv01lCE1gBbwA0kum6EMfs4Si6YMcTvmrc5ckOpl0Fntwwl/s1600-h/New+Picture.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5164300344582680610" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0w5l8cqm1DIFMHaWJOygn3q-NotOL2_nr4l_aYxQSddsX9nLsWPyAonhM1kSL9QjeUA1NVKLObmWrEwwRPGvkMBbcPBhz1pv01lCE1gBbwA0kum6EMfs4Si6YMcTvmrc5ckOpl0Fntwwl/s320/New+Picture.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div>LOS ANGELES – In Los Angeles, those suffering from chronic pain can now get "chronic" relief 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Last week, three "medical" marijuana vending machines – the first of their kind – opened for business in the city.<br /><br />"It’s f-ing great," said Wendy Reade, a 35-year-old waitress who suffered a herniated disk in her back two months ago while on the job. "I just get this sh*t, and it’s like I don’t even have a spine. Like I’m a snail without a shell. A purple one, with green stripes and no shell. Almost like I never hurt my back because I never had one, like Mona Lisa’s belly button. I mean Adam and Eve. Or was it eyebrows? Who the hell cares. Quit calling me a snail. I’m hungry."<br /><br />Convenience store owners throughout the city are now saying they want in on the pot vending machine action, too. They’re asking that the vending machines be installed on their stores’ premises so that partakers can easily fulfill their "munchies" buy purchasing items like Fritos and Twizzlers from the stores.<br /><br />"It benefits everyone involved," said Desmond Burnett, store manager at the 7-Eleven on Santa Monica Boulevard. "The vending machine company sells their pot, the junkies get their junk food, and we get our Fritos money. What’s not to love about it?"<br /><br />Ben Marcotte, who owns the company that operates the vending machines, refused to comment because he was "stoned out of his f-ing mind" and "needed a shower."<br /><br />An investigation into the validity of the vending machines is pending.</div>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-84775772232338729312008-02-06T12:47:00.001-05:002008-02-15T09:00:52.003-05:00Researchers Say Pluto Not Really A Dog, Merely A Disney Cartoon CharacterORLANDO—A little more than a year after scientists determined that Pluto is not technically a planet, researchers have now determined that Disney's Pluto is not technically a dog. In response, scientists have demoted him to “Disney Cartoon Character.”<br /><br />“We’ve discovered through extensive research and DNA testing that Pluto isn’t technically a dog,” said NASA researcher Dr. Harold Jordan. “The fact that we couldn’t extract any sort of DNA from Pluto was our first indication that something didn’t equate. Further tests proved that the so-called 'dog,' Pluto, is actually just animation."<br /><br />The Walt Disney World theme park in Orlando, Fla., closed down early this morning, and the Disney Land theme park in Anaheim, Calif., will not open today. Theme park executives say they’ll spend the day organizing Pluto’s execution, which will take place tomorrow.<br /><br />“At 9 a.m. tomorrow, Pluto will be hanged for treason from the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse in the northwest corner of the Disney World theme park,” theme park executive director David Bradas told reporters. “Afterwards, we’ll serve cookies and punch in celebration of the imposter’s demise.”<br /><br />Pluto could not be reached for comment, but sources say he peed on the carpet when he heard the news.Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-79101670783297520012008-02-02T14:46:00.000-05:002008-12-11T12:10:43.868-05:00Don Pablo’s Patron Eats Too Much, Gets Fired<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIb-jey8npLCNkoJGico-xbbAmHRj07wd94TAUF-QgIOeGC8rwtj7lAjxN0iu9UsqMIn_OfAyRm81-gyeTEwP7LQEw4hz0Fh8aVHwosPtmN80VO7MKp0eN1FadTUi1KgfReZk4V_TQolXz/s1600-h/salsa.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5162478110218072082" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIb-jey8npLCNkoJGico-xbbAmHRj07wd94TAUF-QgIOeGC8rwtj7lAjxN0iu9UsqMIn_OfAyRm81-gyeTEwP7LQEw4hz0Fh8aVHwosPtmN80VO7MKp0eN1FadTUi1KgfReZk4V_TQolXz/s200/salsa.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>MOORESTOWN, N.J.— Marcia Rumbaugh, receptionist at Chambers Marketing and Advertising on Flynn Ave., ate way too much for lunch at the Don Pablo’s restaurant on Nixon Drive yesterday afternoon.<br /><br />“I had the taco salad with chicken, guacamole, sour cream, cheese and ranch dressing,” said Rumbaugh. “I ate the whole thing, plus a whole basket of tortilla chips and salsa beforehand.”<br /><br />Upon returning to the office after lunch, Rumbaugh sat down at her desk and promptly unbuttoned her pants, claiming they were simply too tight after devouring 960 calories of meat, dairy and carbs.<br /><br />When co-worker Laura Murray spotted Rumbaugh's unfastened button, she immediately reported it to the company's Human Resources Department.<br /><br />“That’s just disgusting,” said Murray. “I had a half-pound cheeseburger and fries at Red Robin for lunch today, but you don’t see me sitting at my desk with my pants half off.”<br /><br />When Human Resources Coordinator Veronica Jackson went into Rumbaugh's cubicle and told her that unbuttoned pants were inappropriate for work, Rumbaugh responded by pulling the zipper down, too.<br /><br />“I thought she meant I shouldn’t just have the button undone, but that I should have the zipper unzipped, too,” said Rumbaugh.<br /><br />Jackson told Rumbaugh to report to the president’s office immediately. When Rumbaugh got up from her chair, her pants fell down around her ankles.<br /><br />“I walked into the president’s office, and he fired me on the spot just because my pants were around my ankles,” Rumbaugh told reporters. “That’s discrimination, and I don’t have to take it.”<br /><br />The president of the company declined to comment.</div>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-17886445351304303972008-01-31T18:59:00.000-05:002008-12-11T12:10:44.103-05:00Woman Sues Home Depot Over Dumb Slogan<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgvih_yJ0TMWlmJYPznhkpU6uqcsomhW21SgIPjQ0sKDVlUzH2VVbiLlxy7w2BLJJgCuHPd6UVfz_ilQei5CDUd8XqWbIV9S8lmSpYLmb8yt3uLZmris40acy5sRkbjqZLTWmbSDm84W5U/s1600-h/paint.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5162096064287158274" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgvih_yJ0TMWlmJYPznhkpU6uqcsomhW21SgIPjQ0sKDVlUzH2VVbiLlxy7w2BLJJgCuHPd6UVfz_ilQei5CDUd8XqWbIV9S8lmSpYLmb8yt3uLZmris40acy5sRkbjqZLTWmbSDm84W5U/s200/paint.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>NAPERVILLE, Ill. – Naperville resident Leslie McCoy has filed a lawsuit against Home Depot, alleging that the DIY mega-retailer's slogan, "You can do it; We can help," caused her excessive emotional damage when she actually thought she "could do it."<br /><br />"Maybe they should change it to 'You might be able to do it, but sometimes hiring a professional is better," said McCoy, tripping over a half empty tub of drywall joint compound and falling into an open can of oil-based primer. "Bandana bicycle Margaret Thatcher telephone nose harness muffin earmuffs," she added. When told that what she said made no sense, her husband chimed in, "The paint fumes are getting to her."<br /><br />McCoy claims that Home Depot's slogan gave her false hope and made her think her home improvement projects would be easy. In response to the allegations, Home Depot claims it didn't do anything wrong. "Our slogan holds true," said Alison Markinowich, Public Relations Coordinator for Home Depot. "Read the fine print."<br /><br />The fine print reads: "You can do it, we can help, assuming you're not mildly retarded, double- jointed, blonde, arthritic, old, deaf, dumb or blind, lactose intolerant, of European descent, hungry, ovulating, bipolar, freckled, homeless, a member of the mafia, liberal, conservative, a convicted felon, tired, a mammal or jaundiced."<br /><br />No trial date has been set.</div>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-62537123451578569042008-01-31T06:39:00.000-05:002008-12-11T12:10:44.410-05:00Wal-Mart To Sell $1.88 LaptopBENTONVILLE, Ark. – <a href="http://www.walmart.com/">Wal-Mart Stores Inc.</a> announced Tuesday that it plans to offer an entry-level Acer laptop computer for $1.88 at all its retail outlets beginning later this year. The computer will feature a 74 gigabyte hard drive, 512 megabytes of RAM and a 14.1-inch screen. It will operate on a system similar to Microsoft Windows called Microhard Doors, which is expected to be compatible with most Windows software.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhReTVdvWDg-JzPKskiuCumdC3fMzIvNZi1-oB9H8YGwL3iEUKMz4yF2i76iAKkS-l-c1k5Y-oXJfwLGbJiuEpXLg3KAhVaaR6eXSCUZDW6gmwyjYOf933FbrUJ52493tGPlM8EqYu5dlGX/s1600-h/computer.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5162092898896261090" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhReTVdvWDg-JzPKskiuCumdC3fMzIvNZi1-oB9H8YGwL3iEUKMz4yF2i76iAKkS-l-c1k5Y-oXJfwLGbJiuEpXLg3KAhVaaR6eXSCUZDW6gmwyjYOf933FbrUJ52493tGPlM8EqYu5dlGX/s200/computer.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />“For years, Wal-Mart has wanted to bring computers to the masses – even people like our employees who never could’ve dreamed of being able to afford a computer before,” a Wal-Mart spokesperson told reporters. “The Acer188 will help bridge the gap between poor people and the more affluent, technologically-savvy members of society who might not necessarily shop at Wal-Mart, but probably own stock in it.”<br /><br />The reason for the laptop’s affordability lies in the materials used to manufacture it. According to an Acer spokesperson, the computer, manufactured in China, is made primarily of melted down components from recalled Mattel toys. The spokesperson was quick to note, too, that this makes the Acer188 more sustainable than other brands. “Typically, all that crap would’ve just been dumped in landfills before,” he said. “Instead, we’re repurposing it, not just for capital gain, but for the greater good.”<br /><br />The Acer188 is expected to be on Wal-Mart’s shelves by April.Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-33903893708718638332008-01-29T21:49:00.001-05:002008-12-11T12:10:44.564-05:00Last 10 Minutes Of Work Day “The Worst,” Says Office Assistant<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8ouNyVE7_Wx5NQ9F8pdeMQCpF1z80-oNtRQBZMYHphsF7irq5jillPPQATYIuEmNAht_CYAWg-gpUqBAXgGvYIPKN6d3x2xuthWceUDpjQPlDDzX7iFz5BbT329kH1mOLYS70YC5OxNZU/s1600-h/stapler.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5162094780091936754" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8ouNyVE7_Wx5NQ9F8pdeMQCpF1z80-oNtRQBZMYHphsF7irq5jillPPQATYIuEmNAht_CYAWg-gpUqBAXgGvYIPKN6d3x2xuthWceUDpjQPlDDzX7iFz5BbT329kH1mOLYS70YC5OxNZU/s200/stapler.png" border="0" /></a><br /><div>CLEVELAND—Office Assistant Amanda Hallady said the last 10 minutes of the work day are “pretty much unbearable,” and that oftentimes, she’ll spend those last few minutes staring at her 1973 model Swingline stapler.<br /><br />“When 4:50 rolls around, it’s like I’m stuck in some sort of time warp,” Hallady said. “It’s even worse when the girl in the next cubicle spends those last 10 minutes slurping on a frappuccino that was pretty much empty two hours ago. Nothing’s going to come out, chica. Give it up, for God’s sake.”<br /><br />When Hallady was asked what specifically was so terrible about the last 10 minutes of the work day, she replied, “Are you f-ing kidding me? Haven’t you ever worked?” Then she threw her 1973 model Swingline stapler at the reporter and was charged with aggravated assault. The stapler suffered minor injuries but is expected to be okay, since it's made of lead and weighs like 70 pounds.</div>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2541380663534344996.post-75865370024644252912008-01-29T21:28:00.001-05:002008-12-11T12:10:44.614-05:00American Idol Annoyance Level Upgraded From Elevated To High<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpYAKufrGH1dYtl-ZZdhHpWu4oUTkzhH7brCXn8ZlOT0uM-nBkiiWQAWLrFQNhNBQ8ZJxhvvBO7RUKchRoBawKFE9DNb1jCtf4KvKd95fvZJHllRUyvbi0Bli73y0MZC5vww0vIVOSQ25n/s1600-h/alert+system-americanidol.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5161093442826612690" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpYAKufrGH1dYtl-ZZdhHpWu4oUTkzhH7brCXn8ZlOT0uM-nBkiiWQAWLrFQNhNBQ8ZJxhvvBO7RUKchRoBawKFE9DNb1jCtf4KvKd95fvZJHllRUyvbi0Bli73y0MZC5vww0vIVOSQ25n/s400/alert+system-americanidol.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><br /><div><br /><div>WASHINGTON, D.C. – Now in its second week of auditions for the 2008 season, authorities have upgraded the American Idol Annoyance Level from Elevated to High. Officials, all of whom said they’d rather set their nose hair on fire than watch one minute of American Idol, recommend you begin drinking heavily to ease the pain.</div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div></div></div></div>Ann-Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08480159304002885845noreply@blogger.com0