Area Woman Eats Entire Lunch Before Lunch

CLEVELAND, Ohio -- On Monday, area events coordinator Cassandra Cayman ate a banana, a granola bar, an apple, a container of yogurt, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and 14 grapes all before 10 a.m., according to reports. Those close to Cayman say this was the entire contents of her packed lunch, and that by 3 p.m. she was wandering around the office looking for scraps.

“She came into my office a little after 3 and asked if I had any chocolate,” says Cayman’s coworker Lynette Jenkins. “When I said I didn’t, she picked up my trash can and started rummaging through it.”

Bryce Maley, an intern at the office, says Cayman similarly approached him, only to pull an Oreo cookie wrapper out of his trash can. “She saw some crumbs left in the packet and asked if I was going to eat them,” Maley says. “When I told her I wasn’t, she proceeded to tilt her head back and shake the crumbs into her mouth.”

When confronted about the claims, Cayman denied them. “What?” she said. “Ha! No. What? No! I mean, I don’t recall that,” she said.

Jenkins says she plans to bring some extra Lean Cuisines from home to store in the break room fridge in case the problem arises in the future. “I don’t want to witness anything like this ever again,” she says.

Area Woman Changes Profile Picture

GREEN, Ohio -- After much consideration, area waitress and perpetual college student Kelly Padilla has changed her Facebook profile picture. Padilla, 25, took more than two dozen photos of herself with her iPhone in the bathroom mirror at the Brubaker’s Pub on Massillon Road Saturday night, some with her hair pulled back, and others with it down. Her best friend, 24-year-old Brittany Schaub, also appeared in some of the photos.

“It was hard to get a full body shot, because you can only step back so far before you just bump into the hand dryers,” Padilla told reporters. “But actually, I thought the close-up shots turned out better anyway, because you can totally see my eyeshadow more.”

Padilla said she and Schaub spent nearly four hours Sunday afternoon trying to decide which picture was profile worthy, toggling back and forth between shots several hundred times after weeding out those in which Padilla’s hair was kind of “jacked up” or in which she appeared to have a “freakin lazy eye or something.” Although both women had econ homework they should’ve been working on, they felt they wouldn’t really be able to concentrate on it until they’d had a good look at all the photos from the previous night’s drunken hilarity, which were completely different from the photos they took at the same bar a week prior.

“We finally chose this one because my hair looks good but you can still kind of see my shoulder tat,” Padilla said. “What do you think? I mean, keep in mind, I have like 493 friends who are going to see this.”

Padilla said that before Sunday, she had not changed her profile picture since Aug. 27 when some dude named Austin or Todd took a “totally epic” picture of her doing a shot of Patron while she danced on the bar.

Area Man Discovers Speaker Phone

Tuesday at 1:44 p.m. was a life-changing moment for area marketing coordinator Brad Shadle, who finally learned how to use the speaker phone function on his office phone after more than two years on the job. “Now I can call people without picking up my receiver, but then pick it up when they answer,” Shadle said. “Or, if I choose to leave them on speaker phone, I can even lean back in my chair and cross my arms while discussing ‘strategic partnerships’ and the ‘importance of honing in on segment growth areas’ while also referring to whomever is on the other end of the line as “my main man.”

Some of Shadle’s coworkers, however, aren’t so happy about his newfound knowledge. Assistant project coordinator Amy McHenry, who sits just a few feet away from Shadle, says his incessant speaker phone babble can sometimes be annoying and awkward. “Like that time he had that mouth breather Steve Klein from sales on the phone, and I overheard Steve refer to me as ‘Cankles McHenry,’ she said. “I mean, has Steve looked at his wife lately? Two words for you: ‘ham arms.’”

When asked if he was concerned about his speaker phone conversations being overheard, Shadle chuckled. “Exsqueeze me?” he said. “Isn’t that the point of speaker phone?”

Shadle’s boss declined to comment.

“Secretary Spread” Now “Cheeto Ass”

BENTON HARBOR, MI -- In an era of political correctness, terms such as “secretary spread” (used to describe the fat ass that often inflicts women who spend eight hours a day in a desk chair) are being replaced with more appropriate terms.

Because “administrative assistant spread” didn’t have quite the same ring to it, colloquialists have coined the term “Cheeto Ass” to describe the administrative assistants’ plight. “It really embodies the whole problem, too. It’s not just sitting that’s causing fat asses,” says area colloquialist Don Stephens. “The dietary decisions these people are making play a big part, too. I mean, look at Debbie over there,” Stephens says, motioning in the direction of his administrative assistant Debbie Russo. “She makes at least two trips to the vending machine every day, and believe me, she’s not choosing the low-fat granola bar. She’s pressing “B-5” for the Cheetos every time.”

Are you reading this from your desk chair right now? If so, you should probably consider cycling to work, Cheeto Ass.

2012 Presidential Election To Be Held “American Idol” Style

WASHINGTON, DC – To cater to an increasingly apathetic American public that has grown weary of politics as usual, the Federal Election Commission (FEC) announced Friday that the 2012 presidential election will be decided through an “American Idol” style competition.

Instead of the typical national convention during which presidential candidates are nominated, music executive, television producer, and blatantly narcissistic asshole Simon Cowell will scour the country looking for talent. Auditions will be held in several major U.S. cities.

Once finalists are selected, they will be forced to perform mind-numbingly terrible pop songs in front of a live audience while being relentlessly ridiculed by judges, including the pompous and arrogant Cowell, along with sociopath and washed-up former pop sensation Paula Abdul, and some other poor sap who thinks all the contestants are great because he smokes a ton of weed in order to quell the desire to punch Cowell in his obnoxious fucking face.

Americans will have the final say in the decision, when they cast their votes via text message from the comfort of their couches while eating leftover cheesy potato wedges dipped in French onion dip on Tuesday, November 6, 2012.

Audition dates have not yet been announced, but all citizens over the age of 35 who were born in the United States are encouraged to give it a whirl.

Lindsay Lohan Sues Everyone Named Lindsay

LOS ANGELES – Actress and junkie Lindsay Lohan filed an unprecedented lawsuit Tuesday afternoon, alleging that everyone named Lindsay is infringing on her single-name notoriety, and that “those bitches should pay.”

“Not only are they using my name without being me or even as pretty as me, but most of them also don’t even have a single DUI,” a completely shitfaced Lohan told reporters in her home Tuesday evening while hugging the toilet bowl where she intermittently spewed a combination of vodka, baby carrots and Percocet.

“It’s obvious why all these girls want to be just like Lindsay,” Lohan’s agent Nick Styne said. “But let’s face it – there’s only one person worthy of the name Lindsay, and it’s the Lindsay who can run over photographers with her BMW and still be adored by dozens of fans.”

Full details of the suit have not yet been released.

Two Former Teletubbies Arrested On Drug Charges

TELETUBBYLAND – Tinky Winky and Dipsy, both of whom saw moderate fame as child stars on the hit children’s television series “Teletubbies,” were arrested Tuesday morning on drug charges. Dipsy was spotted snorting cocaine (aka blow, gutter glitter, nose candy, snow, jack-up, powder, etc.) off of the large television screen imbedded in Tinky Winky’s stomach while the two lounged on the artificially green grass near the futuristic dome where they reside.

After arresting Tinky Winky and Dipsy, police searched the “Tubbytronic Superdome,” and found large stashes of cocaine (aka candycaine, snort, wacky dust, bazooka, c-game, flake, etc.) hidden behind a large, dizzying pinwheel that “appeared out of fucking nowhere,” according to Officer Jake Palmieri. “I’ve seen some fucked up shit, but this?” he said, pointing to a giant giggling sun with the face of a baby resembling the late Chris Farley. “This takes the cake.”

This is not the first time controversy has surrounded the Teletubbies. In 1999, Tinky Winky aroused the attention of televangelist Jerry Falwell, who alleged that Tinky Winky was a “gay role model,” an assumption made simply because the Teletubby sported a purple triangle on his head representative of gay pride and carried a purse.

Since “Teletubbies” went off the air in 2001, all four of the original Teletubbies have fallen from fame, unable to secure any other roles after having been typecasted as acid-tripping, gay babies.

Tinky Winky and Dipsy are currently being held on $5,000 bond.