COLUMBUS, Ohio – Roman Catholic clergy across the country are asking Irish Catholics to refrain from celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this March 17, because the holiday, famous for its drunken parades and green beer, falls during the week before Easter, the most sacred week on the Christian calendar, also known as “Holy Week.”
This is the first time in 67 years that Easter has put a damper on St. Paddy’s Day celebrations, and many Irish Catholics are pissed.
“Why should we forgo celebrating all the glory of St. Patrick just because some savior from like 2,000 years ago painted eggs laid by rabbits and then hid them from children?” said Dennis O’Connell, a member of St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Columbus, Ohio. “To be honest, I think St. Patrick did a lot more for the Catholics than Jesus ever did anyway.”
Father Thomas Brennan, a priest at St. Mary’s, said he understands the frustration his congregation has with the timing of Holy Week this year, noting that he enjoys eating himself sick on corned beef and cabbage just as much as the next guy. So, to make up for St. Patrick’s Day being a total let-down, Father Brennan told reporters he has a special treat for attendees of the 11 a.m. mass on Palm Sunday.
“In place of wine for communion, we will be using green beer to represent the blood of Christ,” Brennan said. “We’ve also added green food coloring to the communion hosts to make the body of Christ a little more festive.”
As for the hundreds of millions of non-Irish, non-Catholic people who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day for no reason other than to get completely shitfaced, it’s business as usual this year. The parade will begin at 10 a.m.
This is the first time in 67 years that Easter has put a damper on St. Paddy’s Day celebrations, and many Irish Catholics are pissed.
“Why should we forgo celebrating all the glory of St. Patrick just because some savior from like 2,000 years ago painted eggs laid by rabbits and then hid them from children?” said Dennis O’Connell, a member of St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Columbus, Ohio. “To be honest, I think St. Patrick did a lot more for the Catholics than Jesus ever did anyway.”
Father Thomas Brennan, a priest at St. Mary’s, said he understands the frustration his congregation has with the timing of Holy Week this year, noting that he enjoys eating himself sick on corned beef and cabbage just as much as the next guy. So, to make up for St. Patrick’s Day being a total let-down, Father Brennan told reporters he has a special treat for attendees of the 11 a.m. mass on Palm Sunday.
“In place of wine for communion, we will be using green beer to represent the blood of Christ,” Brennan said. “We’ve also added green food coloring to the communion hosts to make the body of Christ a little more festive.”
As for the hundreds of millions of non-Irish, non-Catholic people who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day for no reason other than to get completely shitfaced, it’s business as usual this year. The parade will begin at 10 a.m.
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