Two Former Teletubbies Arrested On Drug Charges

TELETUBBYLAND – Tinky Winky and Dipsy, both of whom saw moderate fame as child stars on the hit children’s television series “Teletubbies,” were arrested Tuesday morning on drug charges. Dipsy was spotted snorting cocaine (aka blow, gutter glitter, nose candy, snow, jack-up, powder, etc.) off of the large television screen imbedded in Tinky Winky’s stomach while the two lounged on the artificially green grass near the futuristic dome where they reside.

After arresting Tinky Winky and Dipsy, police searched the “Tubbytronic Superdome,” and found large stashes of cocaine (aka candycaine, snort, wacky dust, bazooka, c-game, flake, etc.) hidden behind a large, dizzying pinwheel that “appeared out of fucking nowhere,” according to Officer Jake Palmieri. “I’ve seen some fucked up shit, but this?” he said, pointing to a giant giggling sun with the face of a baby resembling the late Chris Farley. “This takes the cake.”

This is not the first time controversy has surrounded the Teletubbies. In 1999, Tinky Winky aroused the attention of televangelist Jerry Falwell, who alleged that Tinky Winky was a “gay role model,” an assumption made simply because the Teletubby sported a purple triangle on his head representative of gay pride and carried a purse.

Since “Teletubbies” went off the air in 2001, all four of the original Teletubbies have fallen from fame, unable to secure any other roles after having been typecasted as acid-tripping, gay babies.

Tinky Winky and Dipsy are currently being held on $5,000 bond.

Area Woman Gets Perm

WENATCHEE, Wash. -- For the first time since 1994, Donna Mutchler, owner of the Just Hair salon on the corner of N. Mission and 4th streets in Wenatchee, was asked to give a client a perm.

According to eye witnesses, Teresa Wible, 43, entered the salon just before 3 p.m. Friday for what was supposed to be a run-of-the mill cut and color. But, upon alerting the front desk of her arrival, she announced she would also like a perm. Christie Jennings, the 18-year-old stylist assistant at the desk, said she wasn’t exactly sure what Wible was asking for. That’s when Mutchler intervened.

“I said, ‘I’m sorry … you want a what now?’” Mutchler said. “I thought she was kidding at first, but then I noticed she was wearing Jordache jeans.”

Mutchler, who says she always tries to cater to clients’ special needs, made an effort to deliver the service Wible requested, but wasn’t able to when she realized the only perm chemical solution she had left in her storage room expired during President Clinton’s first term. “That’s when I sent her to the J.C. Penney salon,” Mutchler said. “I told her to ask for Tammy. I didn’t know if anyone by that name actually worked there, but I figured if so, she’d probably know a thing or two about perms.”

It turns out Wible was in luck. Tammy Boyd, a long-time Wenatchee J.C. Penney salon stylist who claims to have once permed Carnie Wilson’s hair, was able to deliver.

“I really have a lot to thank Tammy for,” Wible said. “This perm has done wonders for my self esteem.”

Kim Jong-Il Launches Designer Women’s Sunglasses Line

PYONGYANG, North Korea – North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il announced Tuesday the launch of a new women’s sunglasses line for the U.S., European and Asian markets. Kim, who came up with the designs himself, says the line was inspired by his lifelong idol, Jackie Kennedy Onassis.

“I’ve always respected Jackie’s flair for style,” Kim told reporters. “In a way, launching this line is my tribute to her and everything she’s done for women’s fashion.”

Kim, known for sporting shades from high-end designers like Prada and Christian Dior, says he really wanted a design he could call his own. “This is my legacy,” he said. “This is what I’m going to be remembered for.”