Thursday, January 31, 2008

Woman Sues Home Depot Over Dumb Slogan


NAPERVILLE, Ill. – Naperville resident Leslie McCoy has filed a lawsuit against Home Depot, alleging that the DIY mega-retailer's slogan, "You can do it; We can help," caused her excessive emotional damage when she actually thought she "could do it."

"Maybe they should change it to 'You might be able to do it, but sometimes hiring a professional is better," said McCoy, tripping over a half empty tub of drywall joint compound and falling into an open can of oil-based primer. "Bandana bicycle Margaret Thatcher telephone nose harness muffin earmuffs," she added. When told that what she said made no sense, her husband chimed in, "The paint fumes are getting to her."

McCoy claims that Home Depot's slogan gave her false hope and made her think her home improvement projects would be easy. In response to the allegations, Home Depot claims it didn't do anything wrong. "Our slogan holds true," said Alison Markinowich, Public Relations Coordinator for Home Depot. "Read the fine print."

The fine print reads: "You can do it, we can help, assuming you're not mildly retarded, double- jointed, blonde, arthritic, old, deaf, dumb or blind, lactose intolerant, of European descent, hungry, ovulating, bipolar, freckled, homeless, a member of the mafia, liberal, conservative, a convicted felon, tired, a mammal or jaundiced."

No trial date has been set.

Wal-Mart To Sell $1.88 Laptop

BENTONVILLE, Ark. – Wal-Mart Stores Inc. announced Tuesday that it plans to offer an entry-level Acer laptop computer for $1.88 at all its retail outlets beginning later this year. The computer will feature a 74 gigabyte hard drive, 512 megabytes of RAM and a 14.1-inch screen. It will operate on a system similar to Microsoft Windows called Microhard Doors, which is expected to be compatible with most Windows software.

“For years, Wal-Mart has wanted to bring computers to the masses – even people like our employees who never could’ve dreamed of being able to afford a computer before,” a Wal-Mart spokesperson told reporters. “The Acer188 will help bridge the gap between poor people and the more affluent, technologically-savvy members of society who might not necessarily shop at Wal-Mart, but probably own stock in it.”

The reason for the laptop’s affordability lies in the materials used to manufacture it. According to an Acer spokesperson, the computer, manufactured in China, is made primarily of melted down components from recalled Mattel toys. The spokesperson was quick to note, too, that this makes the Acer188 more sustainable than other brands. “Typically, all that crap would’ve just been dumped in landfills before,” he said. “Instead, we’re repurposing it, not just for capital gain, but for the greater good.”

The Acer188 is expected to be on Wal-Mart’s shelves by April.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Last 10 Minutes Of Work Day “The Worst,” Says Office Assistant


CLEVELAND—Office Assistant Amanda Hallady said the last 10 minutes of the work day are “pretty much unbearable,” and that oftentimes, she’ll spend those last few minutes staring at her 1973 model Swingline stapler.

“When 4:50 rolls around, it’s like I’m stuck in some sort of time warp,” Hallady said. “It’s even worse when the girl in the next cubicle spends those last 10 minutes slurping on a frappuccino that was pretty much empty two hours ago. Nothing’s going to come out, chica. Give it up, for God’s sake.”

When Hallady was asked what specifically was so terrible about the last 10 minutes of the work day, she replied, “Are you f-ing kidding me? Haven’t you ever worked?” Then she threw her 1973 model Swingline stapler at the reporter and was charged with aggravated assault. The stapler suffered minor injuries but is expected to be okay, since it's made of lead and weighs like 70 pounds.

American Idol Annoyance Level Upgraded From Elevated To High




WASHINGTON, D.C. – Now in its second week of auditions for the 2008 season, authorities have upgraded the American Idol Annoyance Level from Elevated to High. Officials, all of whom said they’d rather set their nose hair on fire than watch one minute of American Idol, recommend you begin drinking heavily to ease the pain.






Enter ... The Clove

For some time now, a good friend and I have been turning real-life events we encounter, as well as some current events, into irreverent, satirical news stories inspired, in part, by The Onion (America's Finest News Source, in case you're not familiar). Simply stated, we love fake news. Slightly more elaborately stated, we love fake news and want to be purveyors of it.

We've been shooting our stories back and forth via e-mail for about two years, but until now, they didn't have a home. Oh, and until now, we were calling our fake news The Chive. That all changed when I realized thechive.blogspot.com is dedicated to news about sexually transmitted diseases. Now our fake news is called The Clove.

So readers, meet The Clove. And Clove, buckle up. It's going to be a wild ride.