Area Woman Sells Jesus Eyelash On eBay

STILLWATER, Okla. – When Stillwater resident Julianne Gramlich lost one of her eyelashes while putting her contact lenses in Wednesday morning, she knew she had something special on her hands – or in her hand, quite literally. Gramlich said she realized immediately that the eyelash looked almost identical to one of Jesus Christ’s eyelashes.

“The resemblance was almost scary,” Gramlich told reporters. “The shape, the color, the texture. It was as if I was holding the actual DNA of Christ in the palm of my hand. It was just so surreal.”

Upon discovering the holy lash, Gramlich immediately called for her husband Todd, who was sleeping in the next room.

“I knew it was something big when I heard her calling my name,” Todd said. “The sound of her voice – it was quivering and quaking, and when I saw what she had in her hand, I realized why. I asked her, ‘Did you see Jesus? How did you get one of Jesus’ eyelashes?’ I was just in awe. It was just … just … absolutely unbelievable.”

Julianne has since put the eyelash up for auction on eBay, where it has received 14 bids since yesterday morning. The high bid at press time was $350.

“I just hope to see it end up in a museum or at the Vatican or somewhere people will be able to appreciate it,” Julianne said. “It’s definitely something special, and I feel blessed that Jesus came to me with it. It’s just such a good feeling to know he’s with us, even if it’s in the form of an eyelash.”

The Clove Wants To Know:
What do you plan to do with your economic stimulus rebate?

“Probably take up heroin again.”
- Josh Flannigan, copy editor










“Get it all in cash and use the bills to make origami zoo animals.”
- Monica Bellis, ballet instructor

"Pay my bookie."
- John Yeskey, insurance underwriter

"Take my son to Disney World and also, hire a whore."
- William Haines, physician's assistant








“Keep putting coins in the claw machine at Denny’s until I win every stuffed animal.”
- Louise Gronko, retired court stenographer

“Get hair transplant surgery.”
- Tim Baldwin, public relations executive

Area Woman Drops Toothbrush In Toilet

BETHESDA, Md. – Bethesda resident Jeannine Endsley got quite a surprise this morning when her $79 Sonicare Essence electric toothbrush slipped out of her hand and into the toilet around 6:45. Endsley told reporters she wasn’t sure exactly how it happened, but said the two seconds between the toothbrush slipping out of her hand and actually splashing down “seemed like an eternity.”

“It was awful,” Endsley said. “I tried to catch it. It hit the toilet seat before it actually fell in, and I almost had it. If my reflexes had been just a second quicker, I think I could’ve stopped this disaster.”

Endsley said she’s dropped other things in the toilet in the past, but those things had always been salvageable, unlike her toothbrush, which she claims is “a complete loss.”

“One time I dropped my hairspray bottle in there, but I figured I could just clean that off and still use it,” she said. “But the toothbrush is different. I debated about just getting a new replacement head for it, but, I mean, there’s feces in there sometimes, and feces are kind of unpleasant. This is way worse than that time I found a pube stuck inside my toothpaste cap.”

Endsley added that she’d recently put a 2,000 Flushes tank cleaner in the toilet, and she wasn’t sure what chemicals were in it that could really mess her up or make her bear autistic children.

“They always say not to eat 2,000 Flushes and other kinds of toilet cleaners,” she said. “And I don’t wanna have some autistic baby some day.”

There’s no word yet on whether Endsley will purchase a new electric toothbrush or simply use the free Oral B one she got from the dentist.

Holy Week Ruins St. Patrick’s Day For Millions Of Irish Catholics

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Roman Catholic clergy across the country are asking Irish Catholics to refrain from celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this March 17, because the holiday, famous for its drunken parades and green beer, falls during the week before Easter, the most sacred week on the Christian calendar, also known as “Holy Week.”

This is the first time in 67 years that Easter has put a damper on St. Paddy’s Day celebrations, and many Irish Catholics are pissed.

“Why should we forgo celebrating all the glory of St. Patrick just because some savior from like 2,000 years ago painted eggs laid by rabbits and then hid them from children?” said Dennis O’Connell, a member of St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Columbus, Ohio. “To be honest, I think St. Patrick did a lot more for the Catholics than Jesus ever did anyway.”

Father Thomas Brennan, a priest at St. Mary’s, said he understands the frustration his congregation has with the timing of Holy Week this year, noting that he enjoys eating himself sick on corned beef and cabbage just as much as the next guy. So, to make up for St. Patrick’s Day being a total let-down, Father Brennan told reporters he has a special treat for attendees of the 11 a.m. mass on Palm Sunday.

“In place of wine for communion, we will be using green beer to represent the blood of Christ,” Brennan said. “We’ve also added green food coloring to the communion hosts to make the body of Christ a little more festive.”

As for the hundreds of millions of non-Irish, non-Catholic people who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day for no reason other than to get completely shitfaced, it’s business as usual this year. The parade will begin at 10 a.m.