WASHINGTON, DC – To cater to an increasingly apathetic American public that has grown weary of politics as usual, the Federal Election Commission (FEC) announced Friday that the 2012 presidential election will be decided through an “American Idol” style competition.
Instead of the typical national convention during which presidential candidates are nominated, music executive, television producer, and blatantly narcissistic asshole Simon Cowell will scour the country looking for talent. Auditions will be held in several major U.S. cities.
Once finalists are selected, they will be forced to perform mind-numbingly terrible pop songs in front of a live audience while being relentlessly ridiculed by judges, including the pompous and arrogant Cowell, along with sociopath and washed-up former pop sensation Paula Abdul, and some other poor sap who thinks all the contestants are great because he smokes a ton of weed in order to quell the desire to punch Cowell in his obnoxious fucking face.
Americans will have the final say in the decision, when they cast their votes via text message from the comfort of their couches while eating leftover cheesy potato wedges dipped in French onion dip on Tuesday, November 6, 2012.
Audition dates have not yet been announced, but all citizens over the age of 35 who were born in the United States are encouraged to give it a whirl.
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