“Secretary Spread” Now “Cheeto Ass”

BENTON HARBOR, MI -- In an era of political correctness, terms such as “secretary spread” (used to describe the fat ass that often inflicts women who spend eight hours a day in a desk chair) are being replaced with more appropriate terms.

Because “administrative assistant spread” didn’t have quite the same ring to it, colloquialists have coined the term “Cheeto Ass” to describe the administrative assistants’ plight. “It really embodies the whole problem, too. It’s not just sitting that’s causing fat asses,” says area colloquialist Don Stephens. “The dietary decisions these people are making play a big part, too. I mean, look at Debbie over there,” Stephens says, motioning in the direction of his administrative assistant Debbie Russo. “She makes at least two trips to the vending machine every day, and believe me, she’s not choosing the low-fat granola bar. She’s pressing “B-5” for the Cheetos every time.”

Are you reading this from your desk chair right now? If so, you should probably consider cycling to work, Cheeto Ass.

2012 Presidential Election To Be Held “American Idol” Style

WASHINGTON, DC – To cater to an increasingly apathetic American public that has grown weary of politics as usual, the Federal Election Commission (FEC) announced Friday that the 2012 presidential election will be decided through an “American Idol” style competition.

Instead of the typical national convention during which presidential candidates are nominated, music executive, television producer, and blatantly narcissistic asshole Simon Cowell will scour the country looking for talent. Auditions will be held in several major U.S. cities.

Once finalists are selected, they will be forced to perform mind-numbingly terrible pop songs in front of a live audience while being relentlessly ridiculed by judges, including the pompous and arrogant Cowell, along with sociopath and washed-up former pop sensation Paula Abdul, and some other poor sap who thinks all the contestants are great because he smokes a ton of weed in order to quell the desire to punch Cowell in his obnoxious fucking face.

Americans will have the final say in the decision, when they cast their votes via text message from the comfort of their couches while eating leftover cheesy potato wedges dipped in French onion dip on Tuesday, November 6, 2012.

Audition dates have not yet been announced, but all citizens over the age of 35 who were born in the United States are encouraged to give it a whirl.

Lindsay Lohan Sues Everyone Named Lindsay

LOS ANGELES – Actress and junkie Lindsay Lohan filed an unprecedented lawsuit Tuesday afternoon, alleging that everyone named Lindsay is infringing on her single-name notoriety, and that “those bitches should pay.”

“Not only are they using my name without being me or even as pretty as me, but most of them also don’t even have a single DUI,” a completely shitfaced Lohan told reporters in her home Tuesday evening while hugging the toilet bowl where she intermittently spewed a combination of vodka, baby carrots and Percocet.

“It’s obvious why all these girls want to be just like Lindsay,” Lohan’s agent Nick Styne said. “But let’s face it – there’s only one person worthy of the name Lindsay, and it’s the Lindsay who can run over photographers with her BMW and still be adored by dozens of fans.”

Full details of the suit have not yet been released.

Two Former Teletubbies Arrested On Drug Charges

TELETUBBYLAND – Tinky Winky and Dipsy, both of whom saw moderate fame as child stars on the hit children’s television series “Teletubbies,” were arrested Tuesday morning on drug charges. Dipsy was spotted snorting cocaine (aka blow, gutter glitter, nose candy, snow, jack-up, powder, etc.) off of the large television screen imbedded in Tinky Winky’s stomach while the two lounged on the artificially green grass near the futuristic dome where they reside.

After arresting Tinky Winky and Dipsy, police searched the “Tubbytronic Superdome,” and found large stashes of cocaine (aka candycaine, snort, wacky dust, bazooka, c-game, flake, etc.) hidden behind a large, dizzying pinwheel that “appeared out of fucking nowhere,” according to Officer Jake Palmieri. “I’ve seen some fucked up shit, but this?” he said, pointing to a giant giggling sun with the face of a baby resembling the late Chris Farley. “This takes the cake.”

This is not the first time controversy has surrounded the Teletubbies. In 1999, Tinky Winky aroused the attention of televangelist Jerry Falwell, who alleged that Tinky Winky was a “gay role model,” an assumption made simply because the Teletubby sported a purple triangle on his head representative of gay pride and carried a purse.

Since “Teletubbies” went off the air in 2001, all four of the original Teletubbies have fallen from fame, unable to secure any other roles after having been typecasted as acid-tripping, gay babies.

Tinky Winky and Dipsy are currently being held on $5,000 bond.

Area Woman Gets Perm

WENATCHEE, Wash. -- For the first time since 1994, Donna Mutchler, owner of the Just Hair salon on the corner of N. Mission and 4th streets in Wenatchee, was asked to give a client a perm.

According to eye witnesses, Teresa Wible, 43, entered the salon just before 3 p.m. Friday for what was supposed to be a run-of-the mill cut and color. But, upon alerting the front desk of her arrival, she announced she would also like a perm. Christie Jennings, the 18-year-old stylist assistant at the desk, said she wasn’t exactly sure what Wible was asking for. That’s when Mutchler intervened.

“I said, ‘I’m sorry … you want a what now?’” Mutchler said. “I thought she was kidding at first, but then I noticed she was wearing Jordache jeans.”

Mutchler, who says she always tries to cater to clients’ special needs, made an effort to deliver the service Wible requested, but wasn’t able to when she realized the only perm chemical solution she had left in her storage room expired during President Clinton’s first term. “That’s when I sent her to the J.C. Penney salon,” Mutchler said. “I told her to ask for Tammy. I didn’t know if anyone by that name actually worked there, but I figured if so, she’d probably know a thing or two about perms.”

It turns out Wible was in luck. Tammy Boyd, a long-time Wenatchee J.C. Penney salon stylist who claims to have once permed Carnie Wilson’s hair, was able to deliver.

“I really have a lot to thank Tammy for,” Wible said. “This perm has done wonders for my self esteem.”

Kim Jong-Il Launches Designer Women’s Sunglasses Line

PYONGYANG, North Korea – North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il announced Tuesday the launch of a new women’s sunglasses line for the U.S., European and Asian markets. Kim, who came up with the designs himself, says the line was inspired by his lifelong idol, Jackie Kennedy Onassis.

“I’ve always respected Jackie’s flair for style,” Kim told reporters. “In a way, launching this line is my tribute to her and everything she’s done for women’s fashion.”

Kim, known for sporting shades from high-end designers like Prada and Christian Dior, says he really wanted a design he could call his own. “This is my legacy,” he said. “This is what I’m going to be remembered for.”

Area Man Says It’s Not Oil He’s Addicted To; It’s Freedom

BUNKER HILL, Ind. -- When John Belasco drives from his home on 12th Street to the Sunoco station on East Bradley to fill up his 1999 Suburban, he ignores the “anti-American tree huggers” he says give him dirty looks along the way.

“If I’m at a pump and someone in a Corolla is next to me, they see the numbers on my pump going and going and they suddenly get all holier-than-thou,” Belasco said. “They’ll ask me, ‘hey, these gas prices must be killing you, huh?’ and I just say, ‘go to hell, hippie.’”

Belasco says the people judging him about his vehicle choice don’t understand why he has it. “It’s not because I’m addicted to oil like the media keeps telling us we are,” he said. “I have valid reasons for driving a Suburban. Like one time I had to haul some lumber home from the Home Depot. And sometimes I like to take both of my grandkids to Chuck-E-Cheese’s at once without having to take two cars. Plus, I like to stretch my legs out when we go for long Sunday drives, and get right up behind people in little hatchbacks on the highway to intimidate them and boost my self confidence. How am I supposed to do these things in a Corolla? If I don’t have the freedom to drive a Suburban, what do I have the freedom to do anymore?”

Belasco says that next time you see him or anyone else driving a Suburban, Yukon, Hummer, F-250 or other large vehicle, you shouldn’t judge them. "They’re the true Americans – and they’re simply exercising their freedom to be American."